


There is no one here who can dictate the Fear

by St4rrySky



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Autism Spectrum, Josh is a moon child, Josh is too oblivious to be sad at the beginning, Josh likes gentle things, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Harm, anxious josh, gentle Tyler, gentle jock, tyler is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2018-11-05 10:11:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 30,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11011320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/St4rrySky/pseuds/St4rrySky
Summary: Tyler Joseph was drowning in the hallsJosh Dun was drowning in his fearThey were both stuck 2 feet above a world full of the unknown





	1. Flightless Bird

**Author's Note:**

> *A 5-0-4 is a pass some high schools give to students who require special treatment for certain disorders

  _ack_

Josh thought

This isn't what he expected

Then again, nothing is ever what he expects

Maybe it’s because of the ‘delusions’ his parents keep saying he has

But his ‘delusions’ are the only thing that seem to make sense and without them he’s terrified

_The crows are falling as i fly never to land_

Josh hums the made up tune to keep the thoughts in his head from materializing into colorful things that distract him from what’s ‘real and important’

_calling names that make me wonder why… am i… awake?_

_am i awake?_

One misfortunate moment and now Josh is questioning what he’s seeing

His harmless humming has caused the delusions to bleed into his vision full force

_maybe this is another dream._

Swallowing thickly he continues shuffling towards his class, carefully counting every person who brushes up against him or shoves him out of the way.

23…

24…

25,26…

27…

An especially violent shove presses him into a couple other students and they glare at him

_sorrysorrysorry_

The apologies roll around like dice in his head but they make no effort to escape on his tongue, they never do

**“You have to learn how to communicate if you want to get anywhere in life Joshua.”**

He remembers his mother's stern voice and hangs his head… She was right of course

28…

29…

30,31,

32…

One final shove and he’s standing in the somewhat safer classroom

He’s the only one there and the teacher greets him with a nod

**“I usually don’t allow students in here during lunch but… Since it’s you I’ll make an exception”**

That memory from the beginning of the year crosses his mind everyday when he enters the classroom during his lunch hour

No matter how much he ponders over it he’s still confused… he’s always confused

_Because I’m me?_

_Because I’m me_

_Am i actually me right now?_

Josh warily eyes the prismatic feathers falling from the ceiling

He then closes them tightly because things like that are what usually classify as ‘delusions’

_go away feathers…_

He opens his eyes to a normal looking classroom and sighs

Not knowing if he’s disappointed or relieved

“You can take a seat Josh.”

Josh snaps his head over to his teacher whose forehead has creased

A few seconds pass and he notices he’s still standing stiffly in the doorway

_Sorry_

He snaps his fingers in an attempt to communicate and the teacher just smiles at him

~ ~ ~

“Fingerprints are too much like bedbugs.”

His teacher gazes at him with annoyance dancing around her eyelashes

Josh knows it’s annoyance because it always shows up sticky green… almost yellow

“Josh…” A long sigh “I know how you are but this assignment isn't optional.”

The confusion knots up in his brain like the pile of yarn he got too lazy to properly untangle and roll into a neat little ball

“But…” Josh pauses and desperately searches for an explanation

“Fingerprints linger and fester, bedbugs are hard to kill… fingerprints are too hard to wash off.”

The look on her face would be unreadable to Josh if it weren't for the dark blue that showed up in the creases of her frown

Josh knew she was about to tell him to use his *5-0-4 and go to the library

“You may take your things and go to the library if you wish… and I’ll have you do this paper as an alternative assignment.”

She hands him a paper with far too many words and not enough pictures

Josh decides he will add pictures to the paper

The thought makes him smile

_Thank you_

He clicks his tongue and slowly gathers his things, many students watch him and he feels the need to start humming again

Once he arrives at the library he pulls out his colored pencils and starts planning out his masterpiece

He’ll start with some feathers near the top of the page

A small giggle escapes his throat and the person sitting to his left looks up at him briefly

_Sorry_

Josh presses the backpack in his lap closer to his body, the pressure making him feel safe

He giggles again and the librarian shushes him

Josh decides he won’t giggle anymore

~ ~ ~

It’s the last hour of the day and Josh’s heart is having a hard time circulating the blood throughout his body

His hands are icy and his nails are slowly turning pale blue

It’s pretty like lilacs

He rubs them together and shoves them under his legs

_warmwarmwarm_

Josh smiles a little bit as the numbness in his fingers slowly slips away; his legs vibrate, attempting to produce some heat

He tries to ignore the weird look the pink girl to his right is giving him

“Dude are you cold? It’s legit like 80 degrees in here.”

She was correct, The air conditioner in that particular hall had broken the day before and they were still in the process of getting it fixed

It takes him a moment to realize he needs to formulate a response and he ends up just staring at her with wide eyes

“I'm not judging you bud. It’s all good.”

Despite his natural discomfort he likes pink girl

Pink girl isn't actually pink

But she carries around a backpack that says PINK in bold black letters over a dusty Rose colored fabric, Her perfume that she reapplies every 20 minutes also happens to smell like a pink flower

This makes Josh happy

_Flowers_

_Pink girl should have flowers to carry around_

_Flowers that won’t die_

_Flowers made of paper_

Josh decides he will make her a bouquet of paper flowers so she will understand that they are friends

_I have a friend_

Josh smiles at his shaking fingers

Without warning the teacher decides to announce class is starting with a quick shout to grab the talking teenagers attention

Josh’s entire body retracts into itself and despite his best efforts a small whimper escapes his lips

The teacher continues on talking in a volume much too loud for Josh’s liking and every word pierces his skull with a neon yellow so bright it makes his head throb

“You okay Josh?”

Pink girl places her hand on his shoulder and it feels terr-good?

Her hand radiates warmth he didn't know was possible

_Warm warm warmth_

_Warmer than the color orange_

_Soft warmth like sand_

_Not harsh warmth like fire_

Josh is so shocked by how much he likes her warmth that tears spill silently down his cheeks

This seems to alarm her and she instantly retracts her cozy hand that soaks him to the bone with comfort

“Oh! I'm sorry… i didn’t-“

He cuts her off with a click of his tongue and guides her hand back to his shoulder

“Warm” He says quietly  
“My tears are warm” Josh smiles at his Pink friend

She’s still painted with a concerned purple but returns the smile anyway


	2. Ignorance is Bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for homophobic slurs ):

Josh doesn't pay attention to the words

He doesn't notice the taunting

His mind is blissfully unaware of all the malice directed at his twitching hands and quiet mumblings

Josh doesn't see the hatred or comprehend the cruelty

“My favorite Faggot!”

The tall boy who always wears colorful shoes greets Josh with a stinging smack on his shoulder

_Please be gentle…_

Once again Josh fails to voice his request

“Pete… don't freak him out.”

Another boy who is often with Pete tries to pull him along

But Pete seems to have his heart set on talking to Josh

“Aw come on, he doesn't even know what I’m saying!”

To prove his point, ‘colorful shoes’ comes face to face with Josh and smiles

“Do you faggot?”

Josh thinks his smile looks a little weird but he ignores that and resorts to a shrug

Pete laughs

“Told you so.”

Before either one of them can say anything else one of the security guards appears from around the corner

This causes the other boys to briskly walk off and Josh wonders why they didn't say goodbye

“Hey there Josh, you doing okay kiddo?”

The forest green security guard greets Josh with a soft high five

_I can't remember where i put my new colored pencils but my feet are still warm_

Josh gently taps on the guards badge and looks up at him to try and assure him that he’s happy

“Alrighty” He huffs out a breath…it’s lemony yellow that smells of fondness “You know I’m around.”

Josh grins with pure moonlight then makes his way toward the smokey school doors

Unknown by moon child

The forest green security guard carefully watches him walk off the school campus

Making sure students who love to harm him stay away from the unconcerned boy with the moonlit smile

Josh is an angel and those who know it will always try to protect him

~ ~ ~

Home is quiet

There’s an absence of buzzing conversation and the colors aren't as vivid

Josh’s mother greets him with a fingertip touch and Josh starts crying for the second time that day

“Oh love…” Her hands hover with silent permission and Josh instantly grants it, falling into her arms and she cherishes the rare hug with all of her heart

“Are you alright?”

Her question is simple and Josh knows she deserves a verbal response

But the explanation isn't simple

He was fine, everything had been good… the trees were emitting pastel oranges, his shoes scuffed the sidewalk with light green, even the wind was gentle

But somewhere along the walk back home everything had changed

The colors started dissolving and the ones that stayed grew extra thick and stuck to his skin like a disease

For a few minutes he was at a loss

clueless as to what caused the shift in his world and made his stomach feel heavy

So for a few minutes he searched deep inside his fuzzy brain, removing the clouds and diving for a logical explanation

As soon as he had comprehended Josh instantly regretted trying to understand, because now he knew and no one can ever un-know something

That boy with colorful shoes had called him a faggot and smacked his arm so hard it left a bruise

The day before that another boy had slammed him into the lockers and apologized, saying he ‘tripped’

Several days earlier he had been in the center of a group of people who were yelling and laughing, but at the time he had been too intrigued with someone's sparkly necklace to consider they were aiming their threats at him

Even as people's hands landed harshly on his body he had put his mind somewhere far away and ignored what was happening

An entire flood of realization hit him all at once and he had barely been able to hold in his tears before reaching his mother

Josh feels her gently ruffle his wind blown curls as she waits for his response

“I think…” his voice barely reaches above a whisper and he rests his forehead on her shoulder to hide his face “I think they all hate me.”

“But that's okay.” he counters quickly “You guys love me right?”

“Of course we do son.” His fathers deep voice fills the room like ocean waves

“We will always love you, We’re always here for you.” He pauses for a moment and takes in his son's extra timid stance “Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?”

Though his fathers voice remains low and silky Josh can see the lightning ready to be unleashed

Josh opens his mouth to say that he’s just extra tired today but he ends up sobbing instead and suddenly falls to his knees

A soft gasp escapes his mother as she tries to hold him upright

His father rushes to their side and Josh can feel his anger seeping into the air

_I’m sorry_

Josh tries to apologize for being overdramatic but both his parents immediately shush him and his father pulls him in for a tight hug  
“Josh… What happened?”

Before responding he pulls away and looks up at them with watery eyes

He hates how much distress he’s causing them, so he decides to try and make the situation less urgent

“Nothing happened, I promise.” Neither of them show signs of letting up so he continues with a shaky voice “Today was just extra stressful and one kid said something rude and it upset me for some reason but now I feel much better andpleasejustletmegotomyroomandforgetthishappened.”

The entire end of his sentence is rushed and mumbled since he’s not used to talking and just wishes he hadn’t let his parents see him upset

They both stare at him for a moment then back at each other with mixed expressions

“We love you Josh…” his father places a strong hand on his shoulder “I don’t want you getting hurt, so please tell us if something happens. I want you to be safe.”

Josh shuffles towards his room and sniffles

“I promise.”

~ ~ ~

Time passes without significance to Josh as he sits on his bed and tries to coax his mind back to the oblivious state it had been in for so long

Of course, he fails to smother his new found awareness and a dark, suffocating feeling makes its way into his heart

_They hate me_  
_They hate me_  
_They hate me_  
_…_  
_I’ll try to do better_  
_I can do better_

His colors start to lose their warmth and he’s stuck in a monochromatic world of taunting dark reds

_What did I do wrong?_  
_I never tried to upset them_  
_Why are they so angry?_  
_Maybe I’ll ask them tomorrow_

If it weren't for his older brother walking in Josh wouldn't have moved from his spot all night

“Hey J…”

Josh looks up at his brother and waits for him to continue

_Hi_

James stares at him while Josh squirms uncomfortably underneath his gaze

“Mom told me you were crying after school today.”

_No I wasn’t…_

His brother clears his throat and sits down in the chair across from Josh

_I don’t want to talk about it_

“J? Hey, Hey, I need you to take a breath.”

Josh stares blankly at his brother for a moment before realizing his lungs are screaming for air

Little stars dance around his room and he gasps in as much oxygen as he can then quickly breaks off into a coughing fit

“I didn't even” Josh gasps again and puts his hands on his chest “I didn't even realize… I’m not… I just forgot.”

_I forgot to breath…_

Anyone else would have been disturbed by the odd behavior but James has grown accustomed to his younger brother's outbursts and knows how to translate Josh’s attempts at communication

Purely out of frustration, Josh begins scrubbing at his face with his shirt sleeves and shaking his head

_Please go away_  
_Please go away_  
_Please_  
_Go_  
_Away_

Much to Josh’s dismay, James remains unmoving and keeps his gaze fixed on the boys hands; ready to pry them away from his face if he begins harming himself like he has in the past

“I’m worried about you.”

Josh stops his movements and puts his hands under his thighs instead

“Listen… I know you have a hard time communicating and you don't find it necessary to take care of yourself but… Dammit Josh I need you to try. Please…”

Numbness tingles up his chest and Josh decides he’ll punish himself later for causing his brother to stress about him

“You’ve always been a quirky kid and I love that about you, But recently you haven't been acting right. I keep telling myself I’m just being paranoid but I need to make sure.”

Josh’s skin starts feeling like glass so he keeps still in an attempt not to shatter

“Is something going on? Have the kids at school been worse?”

Josh wants to say everything's good and dandy but he loves his brother and can't bring himself to lie

“They…” Josh pauses and searches for some words that make sense “They like to say things they think I can’t understand. And I didn’t for a while but now I do and I want my brain to stop working. They’re making my heart feel like lead… everything’s gone dark and I can’t stop itching.”

The last sentence Josh says causes alarm bells to viciously ring in James’ head

“You haven’t worn a short sleeve in a while Josh.”

James’ voice wavers with emotion and he reaches out to grab his little brothers hand

“Please, please tell me you aren't hurting yourself again.”

Josh thinks the tears in his brothers eyes will water the flowers of his guilt for all eternity

“I’m not. It's been cold, I get cold easy… remember?”

They meet each others eyes for a while and Josh gets distracted by his brother's faint freckles

He can't stop himself from reaching out and connecting the dots, smiling as he traces a heart on his brother's cheek

When he looks back up he finds James with his eyes closed and eyelashes damp

_Did I hurt him????_

Josh pulls away quickly and James chuckles which causes more confusion to bombard Josh’s mind

The fear must show on his face because his big brother quickly puts his hand on Josh’s shoulder and smiles

“Don’t worry Josh, These are happy tears. I just love you… And I want to make sure you know that.”

_I love you too_

For some reason unknown to Josh, his voice has left him and he’s forced to think of another way to express the words stuck in his mind

An idea emerges and Josh quickly starts tugging off his sweater

“Oh?” James has a hard time following what’s going on so he just waits for Josh to finish stripping down

Josh eventually gets his sweater off and holds his arms out towards his brother, A beat of silence passes then suddenly James understands what Josh is trying to do

He gently grasps Josh’s arms and slowly examines them inch by inch… sure enough the only marks there are years old and fading, not even a new scratch exists

James feels tears in his eyes again and he curses himself for how emotional Josh is making him

He pulls his little brother close and they hug until Josh's world regains its colors 


	3. Have I Found You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi Tyler

Five minutes have passed and Josh still can’t bring himself to step foot into the school building

He stands motionlessly outside the smokey entrance doors and lets the ice cold breeze numb his skin

_Maybe I can skip school today…_

The thought alone causes Josh to laugh bitterly, he can’t change up his routine no matter how badly he wants to

Josh is pathetic

Josh is weak

Josh nervously taps on his bracelet 243 times before his legs decide it’s time to get inside and defrost

What a mistake he has made

Everything is different now

He notices all the odd looks directed at him, He understands that people go out of their way to push him around in the halls, For the first time he pays attention to the names he is called

Josh wants to disappear

Or die

His mind submerges itself in a thick coat of fog in order to ignore the new wave of emotions and tries to ward off a complete mental breakdown

He thinks maybe he’ll be able to hold on for first hour… that is until ‘colorful shoes’ makes an appearance

“Whats up faggot?”

Pete shoves Josh hard into the lockers and holds him there with an iron grip on his chest

The taller boy stares with pure hatred into Josh’s eyes and the he can feel it dripping onto his soul

“You are nothing.”

Josh knows

He pulls Josh forward a bit and he thinks Pete might be letting him go, only to be shoved violently into the lockers once again

Sharp pains slither up his spine and make a nest near the back of his head

“I’m sorry Pete”

Josh tries to apologize for whatever he’s done to the other boy

_I know you're upset but this is starting to hurt kindofalot_

The expression on Pete’s face changes rapidly but eventually settles on a disgusted smirk

“Somethings fucking wrong with you Dun I swear to God.”

One finale, harder than necessary shove to Josh’s chest and he continues walking down the hall, leaving the moon child to ponder what he’s done so wrong

Before Josh can compose himself, someone kicks him in the shin as they pass by and he sinks to the ground, fiercely clutching his school books to his chest

Josh decides skipping class sounds like a pretty great idea

If only he could get himself to move from the ground

he focuses all his energy into standing up and walking back home but his muscles refuse to listen and Josh starts to panic

_I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay_

The bell rings and Josh still can’t move

 _I’m not okay I’m not okay I’m not okay… Am I dying? Probably_ _shootshootshootshootshootshoot_

His panic comes to a halt as he feels warm hands wrap around his wrists, a gentle voice soothes his mind and the whispered words chip away at the sadness drowning his heart

“Hey Josh, can you get up? Are you hurt?”  
  
_Who the heck??????_

Josh looks up and is met with a face he knows he’s seen before but can’t put a name to

The familiar boy seems to examine Josh slowly then gives him a genuine smile  
“I’m Tyler.”

_Hi Tyler_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This chapter is very short but theres more chapters coming soon (;


	4. You're An Angel Fallen Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the story so far from Tyler's perspective (;

“Dude I’ll see you at practice?”

The Jock gives him a smack on the back

Tyler’s smile holds no enthusiasm “Sure thing man.”

They part ways and Tyler sighs heavily, watching his feet pass over the imperfections on the ground

_I know where you stand…_

White noise engulfs Tyler’s senses, allowing him to dive fully into his thoughts

_Silent in the trees…_

“Sup my man!” Another hand meets the boy’s shoulder and he turns towards the subject, reluctant to abandon his train of thought

“Christmas Break is right around the corner bro! You got any plans?” Pete’s voice rises several octaves giving away his enthusiasm

Though Tyler feels no such excitement he focuses all his energy into giving a smile

“Not really Pete, Probably just gonna stay home and sleep.”

Pete gives him a nudge

“Well we should hang out Tyler.”

_Not gonna happen_

“Sure thing Pete.”

Tyler tries to avoid further conversation with his teammate by walking briskly towards his next class

To his dismay Pete follows closely behind and Tyler resists the urge to tell him off, but before he can say anything Tyler hears a familiar voice shouting from behind him

“My favorite faggot!”

This causes Tyler to spin around because

_Wow that’s unnecessary_

He sees Pete, who was behind him mere seconds ago, several feet away cornering a student much shorter than he

White hot anger floods Tyler’s veins but he coaxes it down and tries to handle the situation maturely

Approaching slowly

“Pete… don’t freak him out.” He tries to gently pull Pete away from the victim

The victim he immediately recognizes as Josh… The boy whose too nice for his own good

“Aw come on, he doesn't even know what I’m saying!”

Pete looks over with an amused grin and continues taunting the boy

_I swear to god Pete_

“Do you faggot?”

Tyler shoots a glance at Josh’s face and finds him with his eyes on the ground looking lost

He gives a little shrug and Tyler’s stomach lurches

Something protective snaps in his brain and Tyler suddenly wants to rip Pete apart for directing unkind words towards the silent boy

“Told you so.” 

A security guard rounds the corner and Pete scurries away

_What a coward_

Tyler decides to retreat with Pete but quietly asks the security guard to check on Josh as he passes by

“You’re a good kid Tyler.”

The guard nods at him and Tyler tries to feel something other than tired

~~~

As Tyler makes his way to his car he can’t help but notice Josh walking slowly nearby

He kicks his feet on pebbles and seems to get distracted by pretty much everything, silent smiles grace his face and his fingers twirl around in dark curls

Despite the urge to talk to him Tyler figures the boy wouldn't want to be bothered

So naturally he zones out as his eyes continue to follow Josh down the street

_He’s got nice hair_

Tyler unconsciously leans against the hood of his car

_I wonder if he knows who I am?_

_…_

_How close to the school does he live?_

_Does he walk everyday?_

Josh stops to look at something in the sky and nearly loses his balance

_I wonder if I could give him a ride… It’s pretty cold out_

Tyler’s mind continues to float around random questions that have no answer until chilling wind nips at his skin, causing him to snap out of his momentary trance

“Okay then…” He sighs at himself and hops into the car while trying not to glance in Josh’s direction every other moment

As he begins the 5 minute commute back home he lets his mind wander and steals one last look at the curly haired kiddo

_Why does he look so sad now?_

Tyler can't help but notice that the little smile Josh had been wearing was now replaced with a distressed frown and watery eyes

He had stopped kicking pebbles and began to pick up his pace, seeming to trip over nothingness every couple steps

Tyler takes note of Josh’s seemingly poor motor skills

The curious and caring instincts Tyler possess call for him to go see what’s wrong, maybe offer him a ride… simply make sure everything is a-okay

But the other side of him urgently warns that he’s being over dramatic and to leave the situation alone

So he takes the safe route and chooses to ignore his kinder side, driving past a sad looking Josh and refusing to look back at him again

~ ~ ~

Once at home, Tyler makes a beeline for his bedroom and tries to ignore all the new feelings buzzing around inside his chest

He feels guilty… But why?

Tyler rolls off his bed onto the floor and stares up at the ceiling fan

**“I saw that retarded kid in the library the other day.”**

Tyler’s mind drifts back to a conversation he’d heard his teammates having not long ago

**“Oh man, the autistic guy?”**

**“Yea, he started freaking out cuz he thought there were spiders crawling on him or some shit… I swear he's completely insane.”**

Recalling the conversation tightens the growing knot in Tyler’s stomach as he realizes all the times his teammates have bad mouthed Josh just because his brain is unique

But despite not liking his teammates actions Tyler understands why they pick on Josh of all people

He’s an easy target

The kid never tries to defend himself, never tells anyone or even attempts to get away

They can taunt him without any repercussions

_I should help him…_

The empty feeling that constantly resides in Tyler’s chest shifts a little at that idea, and he feels slightly less numb than before

He sits up with a jolt and stares intensely at nothing in particular

_Woah_

Complete apathy rules over Tyler’s life and yet the mere thought of Josh sparks warmth in his numbed heart

He purposely thinks about Josh again and again and the feeling appears each time

Tyler springs up from the floor and immediately grabs for his weathered notebook shoved carefully beneath his mattress

He scrambles gracelessly for a pen and begins fiercely scrawling the thoughts overtaking his brain, paying no mind to the black ink smearing over his hand 

_You’re an angel fallen down…_

Images of Josh's timid smile flicker through his minds eye 

_Won’t you tell us of the clouds?_

Emotions swirl from his hands onto the paper and Tyler finds himself sitting at his dusty keyboard for the first time since depression hit him straight on

_You have fallen from the sky_

_How high_

_How high?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned guys! And thank you for taking the time to read this <3


	5. Art and Heart Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more of Tyler's perspective

The next day at school remains uneventful as Tyler robotically shuffles from class to class

The emotions that had run high through his veins the night before subsided to the back burner once he woke up

Leaving him feeling emptier than usual

He picks at the eraser in his hands while his thoughts turn slightly bitter

_A small taste is a tease_

_And being teased is robbing you from the full potential of something_

_And knowing how good something is but not being allowed to completely dive into it is far worse than feeling nothing at all_

Tyler can’t help but wish he hadn’t let himself get emotionally worked up the night before and he tries to put the emotions back into their cage where they belong

He knows what it’s like to care about someone and to be cared for

In the end it always leads to more pain

The hurt and heartache isn't worth the relationship, it never is

Tyler has been living by this idea for years, keeping people at a safe distance and never actually letting them into his heart like he used to

He’s far too good at it by now, his technique keeps him safe and he has no interest in changing it anytime soon… he _doesn't_

Then why does he so badly want to go say hi to Josh?

Tyler tries to nonchalantly turn his head towards Josh who is sitting on the other side of the classroom

_God why am I like this??_

Josh is humming quietly, legs bouncing, one hand in his hair as usual, the other working diligently on the drawing beneath him

Tyler finds himself smiling and quickly turns away, the other two kids at his table eye him then his mostly blank paper before turning back to their own art work

_I’m an idiot_

Tyler stares down at the half done contour sketch of a person he’s already given up on, a certain someone in the classroom keeping his mind from focusing on the task

Mr. B, the art teacher, hovers over Tyler’s shoulder and reminds him that the project is due by Friday

Tyler gives a half hearted shrug then decides to completely screw himself over

“Mr. B?”

The art teacher turns towards him

“What’s up Joseph?”

Tyler glances once more at Josh before continuing

“I was just… Josh sits alone at his table and It’s kind of crowded at this one since there’s three of us and I was wondering… if I could sit by him? Maybe?”

_Please please please please please_

Mr. B looks over at Josh whose now grabbing at something in the air, though Tyler can’t see what it is

He leans in close to Tyler and whispers “Well, he sits alone for a reason, you realize that right?”

“I know… I just would like to see if I can be his friend you know? I don’t want to tease him or anything, I swear.”

The teacher seems to believe him but doesn't give the reply Tyler wants

“Well Tyler… He also asked to sit alone, he isn't keen on talking with his peers, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, especially not in his favorite class.”

The teacher talks in a low voice and sounds slightly guilty, like he’s torn between the decision

Tyler nods understandingly “It’s okay, I get it.”

“I’ll think about it Tyler.”

Tyler nods glumly and unsurprisingly finds himself turning his head towards Josh’s direction yet again

Although this time Tyler doesn’t find him sitting in his seat

Instead, Josh is lying underneath the art table smiling at something, his legs are still twitching and Tyler fights the urge to crawl under the table with him

“You okay Josh?” Mr. B kneels down near the jittery boy with mild concern on his face

For a few moments Josh doesn't seem to notice the teacher but eventually turns towards him and forms a heart with his hands

The teachers smiles at this then returns to his desk, and Tyler can’t help but be fascinated at how Josh seems to communicate in an entirely different way

A language without words that Tyler wants to learn

~ ~ ~

Once art ends Tyler carefully observes how Josh doesn’t move from his spot on the floor until most of the students have cleared out of the room

Only then does he peak his head out, glancing around nervously and making eye contact with Tyler for a brief moment before clapping his hands on his thighs and shrugging his backpack over his shoulders

Josh stands up rather gracelessly and waves a goodbye to the art teacher who waves back, he pauses for a moment by the door and puts his hands over his ears, breathing deeply and mumbling something Tyler can’t understand

Then he disappears around the corner and Tyler feels his heart sink a little bit at the lack of Josh’s presence

~ ~ ~

Thursday morning begins with Tyler’s phone vibrating quietly next to his face, alerting him that it’s time to wake up and put on the mask of his disguise

The mask of ‘I swear I don’t think of killing myself every couple minutes’

He groans dramatically and stretches until all his joints pop loudly

Tyler stares at the ceiling and the ceiling stares back, he wishes it would crush him already

_The fan seems taunting today… everything seems taunting today…_

_Shit…_

It only takes a moment for him to realize that this is one of _those_ days

All motivation seems to have seeped out of his bones during the night and his body moves to it’s own accord, burrowing itself deeper under the comforter

_I can’t do this today_

~~Yes you can~~

The condescending voice that usually encourages him to sit in bed and rot away puts in it’s own opinion

An encouraging one at that, which makes Tyler uncomfortable

~~You can and you will~~

_Fuck off Blurry_

~~Josh~~

_Josh_

Tyler isn't a fan of Blurry but he makes a valid point

With Josh’s image now hovering through his thoughts Tyler finds the energy and willpower to get himself out of bed and mentally prepare for the day ahead of him

He is going to talk to Josh

He needs to

~ ~ ~

The halls buzz with hazy morning energy and Tyler is greeted by his classic routine of trying desperately to avoid conversation

Of course he never can, being that most people think just because he’s on the basketball team that makes him ‘social’

Therefore, he suffers diligently as he can through several greetings and pointless small talk, waiting for the one person he knows will inevitably show up

“Hey dude!”

Tyler looks deeply into the fluorescent lights and wishes for death

“Did you hear about the party Brendon’s gonna throw this weekend?”

“Yep”

Tyler tries to convey how much he does’t care about what Pete is saying through his body language and short, breathy answers

Pete doesn’t seem to notice his annoyance and continues squawking

“Aren’t you gonna come? We’re all going and Brendon always has alcohol… come one dude.”

They continue walking through the hall while Pete waits for an answer, when Tyler doesn’t reply Pete reaches out and stops him

“Are you good Tyler? I know you aren't the most social person but you just… seem upset? I don't know man”

Pete awkwardly rubs his neck and Tyler softens a little bit

Despite not liking most things about his teammate Tyler knows he’s not all bad, and the fact that he keeps talking to Tyler despite his off-putting attitude is kind of touching

“I’ll think about it Pete, let you know tomorrow okay?”  
  
Pete gives the classic ‘somethings up with you’ eye but nods anyway before walking off in the other direction

_Now to find Josh_

Tyler begins his search for the moon child with an energy he isn’t use to feeling, he’s excited? Which is weird, the last time he felt excitement was years ago

_If I were a Josh where would I be?_

Tyler sifts through his reasoning skills and tries to think of everything he knows about the curly haired boy, anything other than he trips a lot and doesn't stop moving

_Art_

Mr. B had said Josh’s favorite class was art, so maybe he would go there in the mornings? Tyler always sits in his music class before the bell so it would make sense

_Here I come Josh-o_

Tyler keeps smiling at nothing as he walks through the hall towards the art room and people are giving him weird looks because since when did Tyler Joseph smile ever?

_I need to stop_

“What’s got Tyler in such a GOOD mood eh?”

_Too late_

He hears the one and only Brendon Urie frolicking up from behind him with a signature grin and eyes that scream mischief

“Did you GET SOME TYLER??!”

Why Brendon always resorts to screaming half way through his sentences Tyler will never know

“Why is your first conclusion always sex dude?”

Brendon shrugs then puts an unwelcome arm over Tyler’s shoulder

“Come on man! What. is. UP in that unreadable head of yours? You’re looking all happy and shit and I honestly don't know if i should be concerned or rejoicing with you.”

_Wow, he cares… Too bad I don’t_

Tyler quickly shoves his emotions into the little bag he keeps handy and zips it up tight before throwing it far away as possible

“Pete told me about your party a second ago and I’m looking forward to going, it’s on Friday night correct?”

Damn, Tyler is good at lying on the spot

“It sure is” Brendon waggles his eyebrows and makes some suggestive motions Tyler chooses to ignore

“So… You planning on getting some this weekend?”

_Back to sex_

“Nope.”

Brendon looks genuinely sad for Tyler

“At least you’re going dude!”

They fist bump then go back to their respective ways down the halls of doom

What was Tyler doing again?

Oh yea, Josh

Tyler picks up his bag of emotions and lets a few out, enough to still feel excited while keeping his smile at bay

Tyler proceeds to round the last corner of his journey when he sees Josh

He can’t help his smile this time, but it disappears as quickly as it came

Josh is on the ground, huddled up against the lockers with his books held so tightly Tyler can see his knuckles turning white

The bell rings and Tyler is still momentarily stunned, his mind desperately trying to think of the right thing to do

He hears a nearly silent sob and his heart decides for him

Before Tyler can put his emotions back in the bag he’s kneeling down next to Josh and trying to move his hands away from his face

“Hey Josh, can you get up? Are you hurt?”

When Josh looks up the expression in his eyes is honest to God heartbreaking and Tyler lets himself care just a little bit more

Once again a smile shows on his face and he doesn't even try to stop it

“I’m Tyler.”

Josh doesn't answer verbally, but he sets his books down and makes a heart with his hands

Tyler returns the gesture and Josh grins so blindingly bright that Tyler devotes the rest of his life to making him smile 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy oh boy


	6. Feathers In The Frost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got my wisdom teeth out today and I'm on some pretty heavy pain meds, so I apologize in advance if this chapter is especially weird or hard to understand. Also, the perspective switches back and forth between the boys in this one. I hope you enjoy! (;

Josh is speechless

Josh is entranced

Tyler’s eyes are liquid gold and Josh can feel his heart growing wings

Golden eyes meet with his tear-filled ones and the frantic words that constantly attack his brain come to a full stop, all his attention is turned to Tyler and Josh is in awe of the boy kneeling in front of him 

He hopes Tyler stays

His panic has been silenced and all the sharp lights that hurt Josh’s head begin to lighten, they melt away from the walls and instead grace Tyler’s face with soft shadows that Josh has to resist reaching out to touch

He had made the heart with his hands out of habit before having time to consider that Tyler wouldn’t comprehend this action

But instead of the classic look of confusion he was met with understanding eyes and a gentle motion in return

_Tyler made a heart with his hands too_

_How did he know that’s exactly what I needed?_

Bitten down nails find their way to the moon child’s pink lips as he ponders over the comforting aura of Tyler

It's a perfect pink that makes Josh’s cheeks feel tingly

He watches as golden flecks of light fall from somewhere above them and settle like snowflakes on both boys, Josh rubs at the flecks that land on Tyler’s hand which causes his skin to shimmer soothingly

He hears a quiet giggle but doesn't meet the eyes of the boy in front of him, not yet 

When Josh does looks up from the mesmerizing hands he sees a prismatic feather land in Tyler’s hair and the moon child slowly brushes a cold hand through the velvety locks to get it off

Tyler doesn't flinch and Josh begins wondering if this boy even exists outside of his ‘delusions’

“You feeling better Josh?”

A couple minutes have passed and Josh is still quietly staring at Tyler, trying to take everything in

He finally notices his mistake and Josh’s eyes dart to the floor in learned fear since people don't like being stared at

“Josh?”

The voice sweeter than stars sweeps a warm breeze through his existence and Josh decides he has to answer the boy who seems to genuinely care for him

_Thank you_

Josh’s words are still nowhere to be found so he bows his head and presses his hands together hoping that Tyler will understand

“Can I help you stand?”

Tyler gets up with a soft, blue huff and offers a hand to Josh

“I forgot we were sitting since it felt so similar to floating.”

_I said that out_ _loud?_

Shocked yellows appear around both of them but Tyler just grins and shakes his outstretched hand a little to silently reiterate his offer

They clasp fingers and Josh smiles at how much warmth Tyler’s hand is able to carry around

“Jeez you’re cold!”

Tyler’s expression changes to concern as he quickly pulls him from the ground and cups both of Josh’s icy hands in his shimmering warm ones

Josh notices the darker tone of the warm boys skin and he has to fight the urge to hide the sickly white of his own ghosty hands back under his legs

But Tyler doesn't seem to mind his lack of pigmentation and continues to try sharing his body heat

“Are you okay?” Do you need to go to the nurse?”

Something desperate overtakes Josh’s instincts and he finds himself pressing into Tyler, like that will save him from the fear that threatens to drown his heart

_Warmwarmwarm warmth_

Tyler only hums quietly and welcomes the embrace as he wraps his arms around the cold boy and puts his nose in Josh’s curly hair

“Do you need to go home?”

A nose tickling nod

“May I give you a ride then? I think you need to try and stay warm.”

Josh looks up at Tyler with a question in his cat-like eyes

“I promise it’s not an inconvenience Josh.”

Tyler pulls Josh closer towards his body and begins warming him once again

Josh closes his eyes and enjoys the sensation of defrosting against Tyler’s chest before taking a deep breath and meeting golden eyes once again

“I would like that.”

He cringes slightly at the quiet, broken excuse of a voice and instantly regrets the words he’s let absorb into the air

But Tyler is grinning again and Josh thinks maybe his voice isn't as unpleasant as he thought

~ ~ ~

Tylers p.o.v:

Once the boys are out of the school Tyler quickly leads Josh to his car and puts the heat on full blast, making sure to point all possible airflow at the icicle sitting in his passenger seat

The car begins down the street and Tyler glances at the school building behind them with a hollow feeling in his chest

He was glad to be getting out of his classes today, especially with Josh

Josh who made his stomach feel nervous in a good way, Josh who he’d completely opened himself up to in a matter of seconds because the sincerity and vulnerability in his timid gaze made Tyler fall apart and he _willingly_ let Josh take a peak into his heart

But he couldn't stop himself even if he wanted to

Josh was too welcoming, too kind

Tyler was going to help him, protect him, simply be there for him, and he knew Josh was going to do the same for him

_This is going to end up being a mistake…_  
_I’m gonna hurt him_  
_He could hurt me_  
_Everything I’ve built is going to crumble_

A glance at Josh immediately shuts off the negative train of thought, he finds all the reassurance he needs as he watches the pale boy run his fingers lightly across the window, creating little feathers in the frost

Josh returns his gaze and looks mildly frightened

“I’m sorry.”

His voice trembles and he looks like he might cry again

Tyler doesn't understand why Josh seems so worried that he’s constantly done something wrong, he drew feathers in a frost covered window, theres nothing wrong about that

It's the opposite if anything, in fact Tyler thinks it's adorable

He peaks at Josh again and finds him staring intensely at his feet, not moving a muscle

“Josh? Hey it’s okay, you can draw on the windows if you want.”

Josh tilts his head up and seems to ponder something before responding

“Are you sure?”

Tyler nods and goes to put a hand on Josh’s shoulder but stops when the boy freezes and leans closer towards the the passenger door

_Oh no…_

Several different ideas of why Josh just flinched away from him flash through Tyler’s head and he feels slightly sick at the idea of a couple of them

So, to take his mind off of the dark thoughts and maybe get Josh to warm up, figuratively and literally, He suggests going to get coffee and Josh’s grin returns full force

Tyler’s breath hitches and he hopes that one day josh’s smile won’t completely take away his ability to function

~ ~ ~

Not much conversation is had after sitting down at a little booth towards the back of the coffee shop

Tyler had let Josh pick where they sat and Josh looked so excited that Tyler almost dreaded the fact that saying no to Josh was probably a skill he’d never acquire

Josh keeps himself busy by observing the people around them and chewing absently on his abused fingernails

He pulls at his dark hair and begins humming in a soothing way that causes Tyler’s brain to short circuit

_I want to pull on his hair_  
_WOW_  
_I will not think about things like that_

~~_I want to do a lot more than pull his hair_ ~~

Tyler almost audible starts yelling at Blurry to ‘shut the HELL UP’

_Thinking about him that way is purely wrong_  
_Those are NOT my intentions so you need to stop_

Blurry grumbles slightly then retreats back into his slumber and Tyler is able to turn off all unnecessary thoughts

No awkward tension is felt by either of them, it’s a simple game of observing and learning about each other, and Tyler gets the feeling that Josh is probably an expert at this sort of thing

“What are you gonna get to drink Josh-o?”

If Josh notices the nickname he doesn't react, but his next words are spoken quietly and laced with undeniable hesitance

“Hot chocolate…”

Tyler’s heart melts some more and he gets up to order their drinks, not missing the way Josh watches him with wide eyes before returning his gaze to something on the table   
  
Several moments pass while Tyler unashamedly watches from the ordering line as Josh fidgets with a pen then starts drawing feathers on the frosted café window

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I for sure wasn't expecting any feedback on this fic so your comments have made me incredibly happy! Thank you all so much, It's an honor knowing you're enjoying this <3


	7. Chlorpromazine Drains What's Left Of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys...

You can’t blame Josh for not being able to take his eyes off the mystical human called Tyler

Everywhere his presence touches the world seems to pay careful attention

Tyler has an aura that overpowers everyone else’s, he glows brighter and his footprints last longer… it’s very distracting

Josh tries to discretely watch as Tyler gracefully maneuvers around the other café guests, carefully handling the two drinks without spilling a single drop

Josh is certain he would have dropped both of them by now

“A small hot chocolate for my new friend.”

The smile in Tyler’s voice is evident as he sets the steaming cup in Josh’s still frozen hands

“I’m glad you decided to join me on this school ditching adventure.”

Tyler takes a sip of the drink and looks absolutely delighted “S’good.”

Josh is still distracted by the flecks of light that seem to follow Tyler everywhere so it takes him several moments to realize Tyler is probably talking to him

_What?_

Tyler’s eyes patiently rest on Josh’s face until the spacey boy comes back to present time

Josh blinks slowly

Tyler smiles and tries again “Hey there… welcome back to earth.”

Josh’s cheeks heat up with embarrassment and he finds familiar comfort by chewing on his nails that are close to bleeding

_I wasn’t listening, I’m sorry_

When the silence doesn't break Josh realizes he isn't verbalizing the words in his head and he starts tugging at his hair in frustration

Golden eyes watch him closely and seem to understand without having to ask

“Josh look at me.”

Josh does as he’s told

“It’s okay to struggle with words, I know they confuse you… Just take your time, I’m patient. Don't get so frustrated with yourself.”

The first thing to fall off Josh’s tongue isn’t intentional but he can’t keep the burning question at bay for any longer

“Are you real? Is this real?” Josh gestures with jerky movements at Tyler then around the café

Tyler’s eyebrows give away his surprise but he keeps a neutral tone

“It’s all real… why do you ask?” He leans forward, obviously interested in what Josh might say

Josh’s arms itch intensely and his heart starts racing “Because… I do that sometimes, my parents say not everything I’m seeing is real. And this doesn't happen to me… no one does this for me.”

Josh knows that his explanation is vague and doesn't make much sense, but he’s maxed out on words so he puts his head in his hands and hopes Tyler doesn’t get mad at him, or leave

Tyler simply reaches out and briefly rests a warm hand on Josh’s forearm

“I understand.”

The itching melts away under the touch of Tyler’s fingertips

“Thanks Tyler.”

The boys continue smiling at each other until their cups run empty

~ ~ ~

The following morning is a Friday and Josh wakes up with the memories of Tyler floating around like bubbles in his brain

After leaving the café Tyler had driven them to an art store so Josh could by some origami paper

Tyler had listened patiently as Josh tried to explain why he needed to make some paper flowers for the pink girl and didn't question it, he simply smiled and complimented Josh’s dedication

They then found an empty bench to sit at as they talked

More like Tyler talked and Josh listened, a dynamic Josh prefers over anything else

As Josh pulls on some school clothes he lets his mind wander to Tyler’s eyes and his velvety hair that proves so tempting to play with

A knock startles Josh out of his daydream and he watches sadly as the bubbles burst then disappear

“Hey J, can I come in?”

He smiles at the voice of his brother

Josh clicks his tongue a couple times and hears the door open slowly

“Are you gonna eat breakfast today?”

_Have I not been eating breakfast?_

Josh searches his brothers face and finds nothing but concerned purples painted over his features

The familiar itch of guilt makes itself known on Josh’s arms and he wonders how much longer he’ll be able to ignore the persistent urge

“Josh you need to eat something.”

His brothers voice is stern now, and Josh feels something black and taunting creep into the air, he shrinks closer to his bed

“I’m not… hung-ry”

Josh stutters when he’s scared

“Joshua.”

James takes a large step towards Josh which set off alarm bells and the panicked boy throws himself onto the bed

Something telling him to submit, another part of him telling him to run

But why does he feel this? This is his brother

He’s never hurt Josh before

Something flashes in James’ eyes and he quickly tries to ease his younger brothers panic

“Josh…” His voice is much softer this time

“I didn't mean to do that, I’m sorry… please get up.”

When Josh doesn't make any movements James sighs and sits down next to his motionless figure

He runs a hand through Josh’s curls which causes the younger boy to roll over and look up at him, eyes twinkling with hesitance

“You need to eat more Josh…”

Why does he sound so defeated?

“I mean look at you.” James pointedly eyes Josh’s protruding ribs

“Why haven't you been eating?”

Josh honestly wishes he had an answer better than ‘I keep forgetting’ but thats the truth

He knows that’s not what his brother needs to hear so he stays quiet and prepares for whatever may happen next

“I worry about you…”

Josh knows this, and he desperately wishes his existence didn't cause his brother to turn purple and constantly frown

All he wants is for him to be happy, worry free and not stressing about unimportant things like how much Josh eats

“I’m okay.”

Wasn't he?

“Prove it.”

James stares expectantly at Josh until the pale boy slowly drags himself out of bed and finishes dressing

“I’ll be down in a second…”

The older boy takes this as his cue to exit the room and leaves Josh alone, feeling something heavy nudging at his heart

Josh tries humming himself into a calmer mindset but ultimately fails and resorts to gnawing at his fingers

Down the stairs in the kitchen is a whole chaotic world in itself which Josh likes to avoid as much as possible

He peaks around the corner and sees the rest of his family franticly shuffling around

Jordan spots him first and lets out a cry of delight, blowing Josh’s cover and sending a wave of greetings his way

“Joshie!”’

“Oh sweetie!” His mother immediately puts her hands on his face and gives him a quick kiss on the forehead

“It’s nice seeing you down here.”

Josh takes a moment to observe the faces of his family and is hit with a massive feeling of confusion

Everyone has mostly stopped with what they were doing to look at him, their eyes screaming something that he doesn't understand

“Do you feel better?”

His younger sister wraps herself around his waist and Josh returns the embrace

“Yea, I feel better.” Josh tries to ignore the heavy weight of their gazes

_Was I sick?_

Josh is definitely missing something

Ashley lets her brother go then returns back to her spot at the counter, digging into her bowl of cereal

“Josh come here.”

He turns to see his mother motioning for him to follow her into the living room

Josh sweeps his eyes over the scene in the kitchen once more then proceeds towards his mom, what he’s greeted with confuses him even more

Josh is always confused

Both his parents are in the living room, sitting in their usual chairs looking solemn

He hesitantly sits near them and starts fidgeting with a pillow that he pulls closely to his chest, hoping it hides his quivering heart 

“How are you feeling son?” His father starts

Josh honestly doesn’t know what to say so he keeps his head down and tries not to breath too loudly

The tension is choking and Josh watches as something black starts grabbing at his ankles

“Honey will you look at me?” Thats his mother, soothing like lavender, and he could never refuse her so he obliges

Time seems to shift as Josh zones out and when he comes back to present time white pills and a glass of water are being handed to him

“You need to take these Josh.”

He does so without question in hopes that it will make his parents happy

Once he’s finished they continue to watch him and he wipes at his face with the sleeve of his shirt uncomfortably

“Well.” His father stands up and ruffles his sons hair “You can always come home if you need to.”

As his father leaves the room Josh watches the concerned look he shares with his wife, but he doesn't bother trying to figure out what it could mean

Josh just stares at the fireplace passively and wonders why he can’s seem to think straight

Where have the colors gone and why is his body moving so slowly?

Josh clutches onto one of his beloved feathers but it dissolves in his hand and he's never felt more alone than he does now

When Josh dares to look around the room he notices with absolute horror how dull everything is becoming

Everything is grey

There are no colors to map out his emotions or help him figure out what people are saying

His chest clenches painfully as a small part of him realizes that his parents are taking away his ‘delusions’ again

But he needs them so badly

Josh watches in despair as the rest of the colors and everything else that make sense to him drain into oblivion and he’s left feeling numb

He’s left feeling betrayed


	8. ßπøø˚¥

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may or may not make any sense, please enjoy anyway (;

James watches from the corner of the kitchen as his mom exits the living room, he waits a moment and feels uneasy when Josh doesn't show

“Mom.”

He stops her

“Where’s J? What’d you say to him?”

She looks up at her son with a small scowl and sighs dejectedly

“We put him back on the prescriptions his doctor gave us a while ago.”

James goes a little pale as he recalls what happened last time

“Mom what the heck!?” He whisper-shouts, trying not to alert his siblings

“Why would you do that? You _remember_ what that does to him right?” James can’t help the anger starting to spark in his chest  
Mrs. Dun gives her eldest a sharp glare  
  
“James… he needs this, I’m aware that he doesn't like what it does to him… but he can’t keep living his life in such a mental state! He has to know reality from fantasy. This will be good in the long run.”

His mother is using her stern voice and James knows theres no argument that ends with him winning so he backs off without a word and goes to find Josh

He finds the boy sitting on the floor of the living room pawing weakly at the ground

Eyes hollow and limbs unmoving

A stark contrast to the typical skittish gaze and twitching hands

Before James can think of anything worth saying Josh breaks the silence

“It’s all gone.” Josh rubs a hand on the carpet and holds it in front of his dead looking eyes

“There’s nothing here.” His words are whispered and lacking the distinctive sweet Josh tonality

“You’re okay J.”

He goes to rest a hand on Josh’s shoulder, usually a welcomed gesture, but this time he retracts violently and gazes up at his older brother with hieroglyphics in his eyes

For a long moment they just stare

James stares with heartbreak on his eyelashes and Josh stares with dread in his gentle soul

Josh’s eyes frantically scan his brothers hair, face, body, everything

He searches endlessly for the familiarity of something

The comfort of a single color or emotion-revealing pattern

But he finds nothing other than the washed out tones of ‘reality’

A dull existence that he doesn't want to comprehend

Since there is nothing to say Josh just stands robotically and tries to tell his brother not to worry

“It’s okay.” He smiles with no emotions and walks back towards his room that lacks the stars usually floating around his bed

He needs something to get through the day so he locks his door and pulls out a pretty silver razor blade that’s kept in a small yellow box covered in bumblebee stickers

_This is okay…_

Josh doesn't want to deal with any real damage or potential questions so he makes a tiny gash on the palm of his hand

Vibrant red swells from the wound and he can't help but smile at the color

A single star appears near his ceiling and he wants to keep slashing at his skin until his entire room is devoured by little lights

But he refrains

Josh puts the blade away carefully and unlocks his door

He watches patiently as the blood eventually stops flowing and dries up to a less satisfying maroon color on his skin

Only when the blood has completely stopped does he allow himself to stand up and quickly heads out the door, pointedly ignoring everything around him

~ ~ ~

It’s a Friday and Tyler is actually looking forward to the weekend for once, he plans on spending it with Josh

Their little escapade the previous day had been a welcomed surprise and Tyler was itching to spend more time with the heart melting boy

Tyler had done the majority of talking but when Josh did pitch in it was always a wonderful variety of words that slightly confused Tyler but he appreciated nonetheless

**“What are you doing Josh?”**

He replays the memory of Josh making a peace sign with his fingers and holding it to Tyler’s chest

Josh had look slightly distressed but attempted to explain anyway

“ **I…”** Josh looked towards the sky as if he would find the words above him **“I was letting you know that I come in peace… Because isn't that the first thing you want to let people know… is that you hold no negative feelings towards them?”**

After overcoming the shock of hearing such a long sentence from Josh, Tyler had simply smiled and laughed lightly at the logic behind the action

**“I understand.”**

He makes his way towards the art room, joy sitting heavy on his sleeves

But to make sure he doesn't get carried away with the whole ‘feeling emotions’ he reminds himself that emotions are poisonous and to stay distant as possible

Josh just made it so damn hard

How could the boy be anything other than pure goodness and moonlight?

~~_How could you be so selfish as to destroy that light?_ ~~  
~~_You don't deserve his friendship Ty guy_ ~~

Perhaps Blurry was right

Of course Blurry was right

The bastard always had to point out the obvious

_I can protect him from all the jerks here_

~~_You better not ruin him_ ~~

~~_Or I will end you for good this time_ ~~

The pace at which Tyler is walking slows significantly as he processes what his demon just said

_Wait… You don't actually care about him do you?_

~~_No_ ~~

~~_But it’s nice having company_ ~~

Now Tyler was extremely perplexed and he had to decide to ignore the nonsense of Blurry

What company? Tyler shakes his head violently and a few passing students look at him with a grimace

~~_Spooky is my friend Tyler ßπøø˚¥ ßπøø˚¥ ßπøø˚¥_ ~~

_Okay Blurry…_

Tyler decides that Blurry is just screwing with him to get a kick

~ ~ ~

In the art room Tyler expects to find Josh sitting at his usual spot but isn't all that surprised when he sees the bottoms of shoes sticking out from under the table

Tyler smiles to himself and makes his way over, he sets his backpack down and slides right next to Josh

Dark, curly hair tickling Tyler’s ear

For a moment the golden eyed boy stares at Josh’s face, getting lost in his faint freckles and resisting the urge to graze piano fingers over ivory skin

Josh’s eyes don't move to meet Tyler’s which slightly disappoints him but he reminds himself that Josh takes a moment to process things happening around him

In the meantime he follows Josh’s gaze to the underside of the table and lets out a gasp

Adorning the worn out wood are hundreds of tiny glow in the dark stars, some are drawn on with silver sharpie and others are made of paper

He doesn't miss the tiny alien spaceships doodled into the mix

“Jooosh!” His voice resembles singsong “Did you do this?”

Moon child looks over at Tyler relatively expressionless before nodding slowly

“I love it.”

Josh stares at Tyler and smiles hesitantly

“Really?”

“I do! It’s beautiful, makes sense why you lay down here.”

This time Josh full on grins, his eyes squint like tiny rainbows

_Beautiful just like you_

Tyler has to refrain form rolling his eyes at his own stupid cliché, couldn’t he at least be creative?

_I think you’d beat the moon in a pretty contest_  
_There_

Tyler mentally approves of the much better compliment

When Josh is done smiling his eyes find their way to Tyler’s face and they scan every detail, searching for something

This causes him to feel slightly self conscious but then he remembers that this is Josh

Josh isn't searching for flaws

He isn't like that

Alarm spikes when Tyler sees his freckled boy trying to wipe away tears that make his eyes sparkle in a melancholy way

“Josh? What’s wrong?”

Josh hums for a while, Tyler doesn't mind

While waiting for a response Tyler absently thinks that Josh has a very soothing voice

“I add stars sometimes.”

This doesn't answer Tyler’s question _at all_ but he allows Josh to say what he wants

“Usually I don’t need to since stars always linger in peoples eyes. They stay at my bed.”

Josh chuckles sadly

“But they're all gone now so I had to add some more…”

Tyler stays silent as Josh starts softly running his fingers over his tanned arm

“There’s always extra stars around you. And your skin always shimmers, which I’ve never seen before. It was all so pretty…”

Josh quickly rolls over onto his stomach and buries his head in his arms

Tyler can hear the muffled crying and he tries not to let his heart crumble

Its useless really, his heart is already dust and all he can do to salvage it is sweep what remains into a little jar

“Josh-o?”

Moon boy turns his head towards Tyler and gazes at him with warm eyes

Usually Tyler can see the deceit or apathy in peoples eyes

But Josh’s are filled with pure trust and curiosity, his soul holds no malice

“Why are you sad?”

Josh rolls to face Tyler and their bodies get very close

_Wow wow wow wow wow wow_

Josh’s breath gently grazes his neck and Tyler tries not to stare at his lips

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then you don’t have to.”

A silent thank you is projected from Josh’s eyes and Tyler smiles fondly at him

“Will you hang out with me this weekend?”

All sadness seems to vanish from his warm eyes and Josh grins at Tyler, blinding him once again

He nods his head to the point where soft curls bounce along with the motion and Tyler doesn't realize he's reached out and put a hand in his hair until Josh tilts his head a little

Anyone else would have shoved Tyler’s hand away or scoffed at him in disgust

But Josh just giggles and starts petting Tyler’s own fluffy hair in response

Their odd little interaction comes to an end as the school bell rings throughout the building, causing Josh to jump and a look of distress to wash over his face

“You good?” Tyler reaches for Josh’s cold hand to help him stand

_He really is an ice cube_

Josh just nods and presses his face into Tyler’s chest

“Bye.”

The ice cube quickly turns away and disappears around the corner

His absence is felt immediately and Tyler can’t wait for art to come

As he picks up his backpack Mr. B calls him to his desk

“You can sit by Josh during this class…”

The teacher had seen the whole interaction and was smiling lightly

“Thank you so much sir.”

~ ~ ~

By the end of the day Tyler had offered to drive Josh home so he didn't have to walk in the freezing cold since he produces zero body heat

They sat quietly and Josh drew little stars in the frosted window without hesitation

“So can you come over today? Or tomorrow? I can pick you up you whenever.”

Josh stops his motion and leans back against the seat, eyes closing

“Josh?”

Several moments of silence pass before Josh opens his eyes again

He looks a bit lost and Tyler wants to ask whats wrong but refrains

Josh scowls at his palm “You actually want to hang out with me?”

Before Tyler responds he spots a small but deep looking cut on josh’s palm

“What’s that?”

Josh freezes

_What an icicle thing to do_

“Paper cut.”

His answer is too quick and blunt for Tyler to believe but he decides to dismiss the subject since he doesn't want to scare off his potential ~~date~~ friend

“So can you come over? Or I can come over here… whatever works.”

Josh is breathing weirdly

“I’ll have to a-ask my mom. Do you want my um… my n-umber?”

Tyler takes note of the stuttering and adds it to his ‘address this later’ list

“For sure.”

Tyler hands the mess of a person his phone and watches how Josh’s fingers violently shake as he tries to type in his number

When he hands the phone back his nails are blue

“Bye Ty.”

Josh seems eager to get out of the car

“Bye Josh…”

Tyler of course watches until Josh is safely in the house

He quickly glances at his phone while putting his car into reverse and sees his new contact listed under ‘Josh-o’

This causes him to smile since he thought Josh hadn't noticed the nickname, and had he called him Ty? They were already on nickname bases

Tyler glances at the passenger seat and sees a perfect origami star sitting where Josh had been moments ago

He picks it up gently and examines it with a small smile

Flipping the star in his fingers he sees the tiny writing of a name on the backside

‘Spooky’

Tyler’s heart drops and his smile disappears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ßπøø˚¥


	9. Icy Breath Please Bring My Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for my lack of existence!  
> Stuff has been happening and I'm traveling out of the country so forgive these slow updates ):

When Josh steps into the house he’s immediately hit with a wave of something he doesn't understand

Something exhausting

All of the energy it took to keep himself from crying or completely disconnecting was finally hitting him with no mercy

He can’t really bother going any further than the front door, he doesn't want to see his family

The thought of their eyes and questions make his throat burn

He doesn't want to be here

He wants to be gone

Josh’s body remains unmoving by the door as his mind tries to come up with a solution, his hand still resting on the doorknob

“Josh? Is that you?”

His mothers voice sends black vines of panic through his vision and his mind is made

Ever so gently he slips back out into the cold and silently shuts the door, sprinting away as soon as his feet hit the concrete

Josh isn't sure where he’s going but decides it doesn't matter, nothing matters

He stops running when the street starts to wobble

Or is he wobbling?

The deafening shriek of a horn causes Josh to scramble backwards and he finds himself sitting in the road when he comes back to his senses, a large vehicle looming only inches away from his shoes

“What the hell are you doing kid!?”

A man wearing a suit leans his head out the truck window and looks at Josh who is still down on the gravel

“You okay?”

Fear consumes Josh’s entire mind and his instincts scream at him to run, as usual his body refuses to listen

The man gets out of his vehicle and approaches the fear drunken boy

_He’s gonna hurt me He’s gonna hurt me He’s gonna hurt me_

“Can you get up?”

Josh stares up at the stranger with panicky eyes and doesn’t respond

_Please go away_

When the man reaches out to help him up Josh yelps and scrambles backwards in a frenzy, scraping his elbows in the process

“Woah…I’m not gonna do anything… just trying to help.”

His words land on deaf ears

Josh is waiting for this man to grab him, take him, hurt him

Blue suit tries once more to help the boy up which prompts Josh to get up and scurry away, leaving the man perplexed and concerned

He doesn't stop running until looming trees shade the sun and the smell of pine overtakes his senses

Birds sing about his concealed fears and the towering pines promise him a safer home, Josh decides he’ll stay here for a while

He wanders further into the forest until his exhaustion forces him to lay down in the dirt

Through the small openings between the trees Josh spots a white sky peeking down at him, frozen flakes begin to fall and gently kiss him with icy breath

He smiles while the cold freezes his body into numbness, the flakes slowly melding him with the earth

Josh lies still until he feels nonexistent

Until he feels gone

~ ~ ~

The first thing on James’s mind after getting off of work is checking on Josh

Throughout the entire day he couldn't stop his mind from assuming the worst scenarios upon entering J’s room and he was desperate to ease the frantic thoughts

_I’m just being dramatic_

An image of Josh lying cold and dead on the ground flashes through his mind

_He’s fine_

James walks purposefully through the front door and immediately starts up the stairs, his mind chanting Josh’s name

“J? You in there buddy?”

James cautiously opens the door and peeks his head in, stepping in fully when he doesn't see Josh on his bed

“Dammit.”

Just in case, he checks Josh’s closet since he’s found the kid buried under blankets in there before

James’s head begins swimming from a wave of panic as he frowns at the empty room

_I won’t freak out yet_  
_He could be downstairs…_

James knows that his brother doesn’t stray from his routine so the likeliness of Josh being anywhere other than his room at this moment is close to none

“Mom!”

He rushes down the stairs and practically skids into the living room where he finds his mom sitting leisurely in her usual chair reading a book

“James? Are you okay love?”

He clears his throat and tries not to let the panic show

“Where’s Josh? He isn't in his room.”

The accusing tone shows through his voice causing Mrs. Dun looks up from her book and raise her eyebrows

“Are you sure sweetie? I heard him come home a couple hours ago.”

“Yes I’m sure! He’s not in his room! Did you even think to check on him!?”

James motions frantically with his hands to express his frustration and moments later the yelling causes his father to enter the room with eyes shooting a warning

“James don’t yell at your mother young man. What’s going on?”

James puts his hands over his face and takes a few deep breaths, grasping for calm

“Have either of you seen Josh since this morning?”

The parents share a glance as realization sets in the air

“Guys!” He bites back the urge to smack them both, instead shaking his head in disapproval

Before either have a chance to respond James scoffs and storms out of the room, heading back towards the front door

“Wait!”

The adolescent voice of Jordan calls out with hesitance

“What happened to Josh? Why are you yelling?”  
  
He feels his heart clench further and stoops to eye level with his youngest brother

“He’s okay Jordie I just have to go find him. Have mom call me if he comes back to the house okay?”

Jordan nods and gives his brother a hug before bounding back to his room, game controller in hand

Once James is in his car he just sits for moment, unsure of what to do or where to look, he picks up his phone and dials Josh’s number

It’s no surprise when theres no answer and he listens glumly to the automated voicemail

For the sake of hope he dials several more times but eventually gives up and resigns to staring at the steering wheel

_Where’d you go J?_

He tries not to hate his parents but finds it increasingly difficult as Josh’s absence grows heavier in his chest every passing second

Memories of Josh’s favorite spots around town begin to pop up in his head like little weeds and he decides he may as well start checking areas his brother has been known to fancy

The coffee shop walking distance from their house is the first destination and on the short drive James finds himself recalling memories of when they were all kids and would walk down to the shop to get muffins

Josh always had chocolate

And he would refuse to eat it until everyone took a bite from their muffins first

An involuntary tear slips down James’s cheek and as he tries to convince himself that Josh hasn’t done anything stupid again

_He promised…_

Promises count for something right?

~ ~ ~

When Josh awakes from passing out he notices that the sky is no longer white, it’s an inky black

In fact, everything’s completely hidden behind a veil of darkness

Josh tries to sit up and finds that he’s nearly immobile, his hands and feet are completely numb and he vaguely wonders if they’ve been damaged

_Am I dead yet?_

Sharp pains make themselves known in his head

_Nope_

He frowns a bit and wishes that dying was easier, not that he wants to kill himself, but if dying wasn't so hard he’d be okay with that

_Local teen Josh Dun accidentally freezes to death in the forest_

He tries not to smile at the idea

Something snaps a branch from somewhere in the endless void of darkness and Josh springs up from the ground, quickly falling down again because yikes he truly can’t feel his legs

_I’m okay_  
_This is fine_

With the pitch black being a perfect canvas for his hallucinations, his imagination runs wild and next thing he knows Josh is watching in horror and disfigured humanoids crawl slowly towards him

_It’s not real_

At least that’s what his parents say but he isn't sure if he can believe them or not

And weren't those pills suppose to take away his ‘delusions’? They must have worn off

_How long have I been out here?_

When Josh starts feeling the intense urge to lay down and sleep again he begins to realize his situation may be more dire than he’d intended from his forest stroll

Maybe he did intend for this but he changed his mind

_I have to say bye to James at least…_

The thought of James causes him to flinch

_If I don't die he’s gonna kill me when I return_

His older brother was always one to worry and Josh knew he was probably flying around the city hunting for him

Suddenly Josh is reminded that he has a phone and slips it into his hand seeing 7 missed calls from James and a couple texts from Tyler

7:33PM from Ty: Hey Josh! are u gonna come over tonight?  
7:46PM from Ty: You seemed kinda tense in the car, everything ok?

Josh hates himself as he checks the time, 9:00PM

_Oops_

Ideas of how to get himself out of this situation start slowly trying to form in his mind, the sluggishness of his entire existence is concerning but he ignores that

There’s no way he’s gonna call his parents or James, they’d yell and he doesn't want to deal with that right now, the urge to stay away from them was still prominent

_Tyler_

Before he can think himself out of it Josh opens up Tyler’s contact and hits dial

The phone barely gets through 2 rings before Tyler’s soothing voice is already on the other line, voice twined with blue satin

“Josh? I didn't think you’d call… did you get my texts?”

“No but I, uh,”

Josh coughs to eliminate the alarming scratchiness in his throat

Tyler cuts in, voice sounding urgent

“Dude are you okay? Whats wrong?”

Josh attempts to clear his throat again and proceeds talking, still sounding awful

“I kinda… need some help? You don’t have to if you don't want to I’ll ju-“

“Josh. I will do whatever you need please just tell me whats wrong.”

“Home felt too yellow so I ran away.”

Across town, Tyler sits up briskly and silences his breathing while holding the phone close to his ear

“You ran away?”

Josh freezes

he didn't mean to say that

_Words Words Words Words_

“I just went for a walk…”

Josh wants to smack himself as he hears the evident confusion in Ty’s voice

“At 9pm?”

“Well, i left around 4 but fell asleep… Outside.”

Josh wishes he could explain in a way that makes sense but nothing ever makes sense so he deals with it

A noise of uncertainty escapes on the other line and Josh can see the bewildered gaze on the golden boys face

“Where are you? You’re not still outside are you? It’s freezing.”

Josh’s teeth begin to chatter and the tingling in his feet makes its way up to his lungs

“Can you help me? I feel weird, I don't think I can get back home.”

As sleep threatens to take Josh he shuffles slowly to the nearest street while waiting for a response

“Jesus Christ Josh!” The mild anger in his voice causes Josh to slip and he’s on the ground once again

_Where I belong_

“I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It wa- was an accident.”

Josh vows to let himself freeze if Tyler hates him now

“No Josh, it’s okay. Where are you? I can come get you right now.”

The shivering boy searches for a street sign while trying to ignore the black dots attacking his vision

“By Avalon street, on the side of the road…”

“Jeez, I’m on my way, just… Don’t go anywhere? I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Thank you so much…”

_I don’t deserve this_

Josh hangs up the phone and tries to ignore the voices telling him to let go

He sits down beside a particularly large tree and curls up, waiting for his angel to save him from the mess he’s made

~ ~ ~

Tyler scrambles around his room looking for some clothes to throw on while simultaneously gathering his car keys and trying not to wake anyone

Josh needed help and had called _him_

No way he would refuse

Once Tyler is dressed to venture outdoors he creeps silently towards the front door and prays that his parents don't catch him

“Tyler Robert Joseph where do you think you’re going?”

_Oh no_

Said boy stops dead in his tracks and turns slowly towards his father with eyebrows tilted dramatically

“Dad. Please let me explain.”

“Well You better have a _damn_ good explanation for trying to sneak out at this time of night.”

Mr. Joseph crosses his arm and puffs out his chest, looking far too intimidating for a man wearing nothing but a fluffy green robe and polka dot socks

“Dad.”

“Son.”

“I’m not really sure how to explain this but I have a friend… You haven't met him yet but he called me and said he needs some help. He’s stuck outside and asked for a ride home and I said yes cuz he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met and I just really want to help him…Please.”

Tyler isn't the type of person to beg but when it comes to helping Josh he finds himself more than willing to lower his pride

“Please.” Tyler accompanies his request with the iconic eyebrow tilt and sad gaze 

Mr. Joseph eyes his son for a moment before relaxing his stance and smiling lightly

“You can go and help him but so help me God, if I find out you’re lying about any part of this you won’t be happy with the consequences young man.”

Tyler hugs his father tightly to emphasize his gratitude before dashing out the door and hopping into his car

“Be back by midnight!” His fathers calls out from the front door

“Yes sir.”

He wastes no time starting his hunt for the star loving boy, hardly obeying the traffic laws and panicking internally that he won’t be able to find his friend

Tyler turns onto Avalon and drives up and down the rode before spotting a person bundled up beneath a tree

_Oh God please don’t be dead_

He springs out of his car nearly tripping and runs toward the unmoving human

“Josh? Josh-o?”

The person doesn't respond but the curly hair confirms that this is Josh

“Get up Joshy Boy.”

Tyler gently shakes his shoulder and Josh jolts awake with a fear soaked gasp

“Tyler?”

“Yea, It’s me.”

Tyler smiles warmly and goes to help Josh up when he notices his blue lips and how the snow clings to his skin instead of melting

His worry tank immediately overflows and he doesn't even bother trying to stop it

“Alright Josh, you have to get up right now.”

Tyler’s tone of voice drops dramatically and a serious air falls upon the boys

“I’m okay Ty.”

At this he lets out an unintentional laugh

“Josh… you are _not_ okay. This isn't okay… I’m gonna help you to the car.”

Josh stares up at Tyler as if he can’t believe that someone would bother helping him

“Thank you.”

His voice is so quiet that Tyler starts worrying Josh might actually be dying

The icicle clings to Tyler as they slowly wobble to the car and once Josh is safely in the seat Tyler closes the door gently

_Don’t want to break him_

He turns the heat all the way up and takes off his jacket to wrap around Josh

“Thank you.”

Tyler brushes a warm hand atop Josh’s frozen fingertips and smiles

“Anytime Josh-o.”

For a moment they sit in silence as Tyler automatically starts driving back to his house before realizing Josh doesn’t live with him

“Oh! Do you want me to take you home?”

At this comment Josh seems to shrink and barely shakes his head

Tyler wonders why he doesn't want to go home but decides not to pry

Before he can think the offer through Tyler is asking Josh if he’d like to go to his house for the night

This causes the icicle to whip his head up and he stares in disbelief for a while before asking

“You really want me… To come over? You would do that?”

A small smile nearly breaks onto Josh’s pretty face but his uncertainty holds it back and Tyler almost reaches out to tickle him

But that would be weird

“Of course I do! Plus you need somewhere to go and our doors are open.”

_I hope…_

“Please!" Josh's blinding grin is back, just slightly weaker than usual "If you’ll take me? I’d love that.”

Wow, his gentle voice drives Tyler a little mad and he nearly smacks himself when his thoughts twist Josh’s innocent words into something dirty

“To my house it is.”


	10. Safely Sleeping, Gently Weeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been written for days but I just got to a hotel with wifi that works (:

By the time Tyler pulls into the driveway Josh seems to be completely out of it

He’s humming quietly while his chocolate eyes gaze into a different universe

“You there Josh?”

Tyler gently rubs his shoulder and Josh gives no sign of being present

“Okay…” The golden boy sighs, heart feeling a little sad

Before entering the house Tyler stares at the dimly lit kitchen window and hopes that his parents will be okay with letting his icicle friend stay the night

“I’ll be right back Josh-o” He takes a moment to run his fingers through Josh’s curly hair and is rewarded with a small smile on blue lips

Tyler reluctantly bounds up to his front door and opens it with a shove, trying to fake confidence

By the time he reaches the living room polka dot socked Mr. Joseph is staring up from over his classic newspaper with an expectant eyebrow raise

“Didn’t you read that this morning?” Tyler stalls, not wanting to ask his question

Mr. Joseph purses his lips

“Just passing time son.”

“By re-reading the newspaper?”

The pair stare at each other silently until the newspaper is tossed aside and the green robed man rises

“Do you want my help or not?”

Tyler tries not to be freaked out by his dads mind reading skills

“Who said I need your help?”

“Your face did Tyler.”

“Oh…”

Another beat of awkward silence ensues as Tyler’s mind searches for a way to make his request sound reasonable

When nothing comes to mind he lets the words spill with no filter and hopes for the best

“So I went to go help Josh right? And I asked him what was wrong but he was being really vague and he doesn't want to go home for some reason so I told him he could spend the night here without really thinking about it and he said he would love that and now he’s completely out of it and I feel like he might be on the verge of death or something, but he needs to stay here and I just… can he?”

Tyler sucks in a desperate breath and stares at his dad whose expression is unreadable

“No.”

Tyler’s heart drops off the planet and he feels a sudden wave of desperation

“What!? dad you don't understand! he’s- why are you…”

Mr. Joseph laughs with wheezy breaths until he breaks out into a coughing fit while Tyler stares at him in disbelief

“Im kidding Tyler! He can stay here, is he in the car?”

_You’re not funny dad_

Tyler isn't sure if he’s angry or grateful so he nods lightly, unsure if his dad is being serious

“Bring him in then.”

Tyler briefly hopes that his fathers humor won’t freak Josh out

It totally will

Once he deems his father is done being a jerk Tyler practically runs back to the car and swings the passenger door open, startling Josh whose eyes are glossy and ghostly hands trembling

“Oh Josh, are you okay?”

He reaches out to help Josh who yelps and cowers further into the car, he buries his face into his hands and refuses to look up

“Woah, it’s me Josh, it’s Ty…”

A dark, bitter weight fills Tyler’s chest as he realizes that something is seriously off with his friend

“My cat wants to meet you.” He says, trying to lighten the atmosphere

Josh peaks through his fingers with tear filled eyes sparkling

“You can come inside now Josh. Come on.”

Tyler slowly coaxes Josh out of the car who begins shivering uncontrollably as soon as his skin meets the wintery breeze

“Let’s get you inside…”

Josh all but falls into Tyler’s chest who struggles to keep him upright

“I’m sorry Ty. You don’t have to do this.” The tone of Josh’s voice concerns Tyler

He sounds so frightened

Tyler moves behind the clumsy boy and helps maneuver him to the house with his hands gripped firmly on his shoulders, he can’t let his icicle fall and shatter

Tyler stares affectionately at Josh’s soft curls and struggles not to put his nose in them

_I bet he smells good_

When they reach the porch Tyler spins Josh around and pulls him into a cozy hug, trying to silently reassure him that he’s welcomed

The moon child seems to understand and hugs back with a hesitant touch

After stepping inside Mr. Joseph briskly approaches the boys and Josh immediately pushes back into Tyler

He’s breathing weird and Tyler fears that he’s about to pass out

“Dad.” Tyler begs for help with his eyes

His dad looks Josh up and down and promptly falls into a serious persona that makes Josh want to run away

“Sit him on the couch son. I’m gonna get your mother.”

With these words Josh feels his head begin to spin and his skin start to crawl, he needs to get away

Just as he’s about to turn around and sprint out the door Josh feels Tyler’s warm hands wrap around his arm with feather light pressure, dim colors engulf the room and pastel breezes brush up against his skin in slow motion

He closes his eyes and relaxes into the warmth

Tyler is with him, Tyler is safe

When Josh opens his eyes again he’s met with an angels flawless face only inches away from his own

They’re snuggled up on the couch, bodies pressed close and Tyler’s careful hands grab for Josh’s, gently warming the frozen fingers

He looks up at Tyler with confusion in his eyes

The angel chuckles “I’m just trying to warm you up icicle boy, your lips are blue… Which isn't good.”

Josh shrugs then puts his head down, he feels his cheeks warming up and wonders what that could mean

“How you feeling Josh?”

Moon child doesn't know how to answer so instead asks about the thing thats been tugging at his heart strings

“You have a cat?”

This causes Tyler’s eyes to shine pink and his laugh emits little colorful dots into the air

“Yes, we do.” his voice sounds light, it reminds Josh of early morning bird songs

“I’ll go find him in a minute.”

The promise of meeting a cat eases Josh’s mind and Just as he begins relaxing into Tyler the unfamiliar force of Mr. and Mrs. Joseph reappears

They stare at him with concern growing in their expressions, Josh can feel the brewing questions and knows he won’t be able to answer

“Tyler I need to have a word with you.”

Tyler ruffles Josh’s hair then obediently gets up to follow his mother into another room and Josh isn't sure if he’ll be able to stop his pathetic tears without Tyler’s help

_I’m okay_

Panic begins to consume Josh’s mind once again as he notices he’s been left alone in a room with Tyler’s father

He doesn't like being alone with men

“What happened to you kid?”

Mr. Joseph hasn't moved any closer but Josh knows it’s only a matter of time

But why is he _so_ scared? He can’t remember

Josh shrugs

“Are you the same age as Tyler?”

He nods robotically

“Not much of a talker eh?”

Josh isn't sure why but those words cause a fresh wave of emotions and he begins silently crying, the tears feeling warm and familiar

Mr. Joseph grows increasingly concerned and curious but decides it’s best for him to leave the boy alone

“I’ll go get Tyler…”

Within a couple seconds Josh is left alone in an unfamiliar room, finally able to catch his breath

He takes the moment of quiet to observe every detail of the room he’s been left in, his eyes memorize the different pictures placed neatly on the walls, everything is clean

Everything in the house has a place and he begins to realize that he has no place here, he’s dirty, unworthy to tarnish such perfection with his presence

_I can’t be here_

Josh deserves to be thrown back out into the cold

But instead of leaving like he should Josh unintentionally gives into the exhaustion screaming at him to close his eyes

The couch is so soft

Not even a second passes before he’s falling into the world of dreams and giving reality a rain check

~ ~ ~

When Tyler re enters the living room with his mother not far behind, he finds Josh curled up on the couch completely passed out

The paranoid side of him fears that he may have dropped dead while they were talking in the kitchen so he checks for a pulse to ease his anxiety

“Do you know what happened to him Tyler?”

Mrs. Joseph crouches down beside the sleeping boy and puts a hand to his pale forehead

Tyler takes Josh’s hands into his own again and is alarmed when they feel almost colder than they had before

“I’m honestly not sure but he was outside in the snow for hours.”

“Dressed like that!?”

She makes a tsk tsk with her tongue then springs into action

“He’s absolutely freezing.”

Her tone is shushed and serious, the unmistakable sign that her motherly instincts are telling her somethings wrong

This alone makes Tyler even more anxious

“Mom is he gonna be okay?”

When she doesn't respond Tyler feels hysteria poking at him playfully

_He’s gonna die_

“Sweetheart, will you put some of your warm clothes in the dryer for Josh please? And start some hot water while you're at it.”

Tyler doesn't even think before jumping into action, sprinting to his room and searching for his softest hoodie and some clean sweatpants

He throws the current load thats in the dryer onto the floor in favor of doing what his mom asked, then he stumbles down the stairs to start heating up some water

At this point Tyler is pretty sure he’d throw himself off a bridge if that would help Josh

_I’m in way too deep way too fast_

His bag of emotions has completely spilled all over his heart and he doesn't even bother trying to clean up the mess

_I’m screwed_

When Tyler peaks into the living room he sees his mother cradling Josh’s head in her lap, gently brushing the frizzy curls from his face

“Poor thing.” She coos

Jealousy makes itself acutely known in Tyler’s stomach and he decides he has to find a way to trade places with his mom without being desperate or causing suspicion

“Momma.” She looks up at Tyler with a sad sort of smile

Josh stirs a little bit and they both pause to look at him briefly

“I put some of my clothes in the dryer and started the hot water.”

She nods at him before looking back down at Josh whose dark eyelashes flutter as he rolls onto his side

When Tyler continues to hover awkwardly Mrs. Joseph seems to sense what he wants and smiles knowingly

“Would you like to watch him while I make some hot chocolate?”

Tyler nods purposely slow, he can’t seem too excited

“Come here, try not to move his head too much.”

They somehow manage to swap positions without rattling Josh awake and Tyler can’t help but grin when he finally gets to run a hand through Josh’s hair unashamed

“I’ll be back in a couple minutes.”

He nods without looking away from Josh’s face

_Look at those frecks_

When his mom finally leaves Tyler relishes in the moment alone he has with a sleeping Josh

He tries to decide what to do with the precious time but ends up just studying Josh’s face until his mom comes back into the living room and breaks him from the Josh induced trance

“Can you start waking him up please? I’m gonna go get the clothes out of the dryer.”

Tyler nods as his mom brushes by him

It takes him a moment to realize that he is suppose to wake up this peaceful creature now

He doesn't want to… Josh isn't shaking or apologizing, he doesn't look distressed or scared, his slumber brings about peace and Tyler doesn't want to disturb that

_How does one wake a Josh?_

Tyler can’t bring himself to shake or poke at him so he resorts to something else

He looks into his mind for a simple song that anyone would know and smiles when one finally emerges

“Somewhere over the rainbow…”

His hand ruffles Josh’s curls again

“Way up high…”

Tyler is startled when Josh opens his eyes, pale face showing a sleepy expression void of any panic

“Welcome back Josh-o.”

He isn't sure what he expects but isn't all that surprised when Josh says nothing and reaches up to touch Tyler’s cheek

“You’re sparkling again.”  
  
Tyler just smiles and hopes one day he’ll know exactly what Josh means

“Is he awake?”

Mrs. Joseph walks in, warm clothes in her arm which she hands to Tyler

“Have him put these on, I’ll go get the hot chocolate… you want some sweetie?”

Tyler nods then turns all his attention back to Josh who is beginning to fidget nervously

“We put some clothes in the dryer so they’re nice and warm for you.”

Tyler pulls Josh into a sitting position then hands him the clothes but Josh keeps looking around the room, paying no attention to what’s being said

“Where’s your cat?” Josh’s voice is almost too quiet for Tyler to understand

_Oh yea…_

An idea comes to mind and Tyler decides he’ll try it out

“You only get to see Milo if you put these clothes on.”

Josh stares blankly for a moment then draws his eyebrows together in confusion

“Can you please put these clothes on Josh?”

For the first time Josh seems to notice the hoodie and sweatpants sitting on his lap

“These are for me?”

“Yea, and if you put them on I’ll go get our cat.”

Josh’s face lights up at the mention of the cat and he immediately stands up to begin changing

“Can you um… turn around?”

The excitement from seconds ago has vanished and Josh is now staring at Tyler with a shaky frown

“Of course, I’ll just go get Milo while you change.”

A shameful expression shows on Josh’s face and Tyler’s wishes he could make him believe everything was okay “Thank you…”

Tyler smiles then exits the room, determined to find Milo

~ ~ ~

It takes approximately 20 minutes for Tyler to get their cat out from under the porch but it’s completely worth it

By the time he re enters the living room with Milo in his arms Josh has drunk both hot chocolates and apologizes about 10 times while crying into the cats fur

Tyler reassures him that it’s okay 100 times before Josh calms down

Milo dislikes every human he comes in contact with but once he meets Josh the two bond like nothing Tyler has ever seen

“Milo really likes you Josh-o”

Josh is grinning his heart stopping grin and Tyler’s brain short circuits when Josh directs his smile towards him

“I love him!”

Josh cradles the grey and black striped cat closer into his lap

Milo is purring loudly and Tyler begins to wonder if Josh has some sort of power over cats, not once had the stubborn thing purred when any of the Joseph’s held him

Nearly an hour passes before Milo hops off Josh’s lap and the icicle boy lays down on the couch

“You tired Josh?”

“Mhm”

Josh looks about ready to crash on the couch but Tyler can’t let that happen

“Do you want to go to my room?”

Tyler almost laughs out loud at what that could insinuate but refrains since Josh takes no notice of the innuendo

“I don’t want to intrude… you’ve already done so much for me.”

Instead of trying to say anything more Tyler simple pulls Josh up by his hands and begins leading him to his bedroom

“You can sleep with me Josh, I’ve got a big bed… plus I can keep you warm so you don’t freeze to death in the night.”

When Josh doesn't respond Tyler looks back at him and feels his heart rate pick up

They are roughly the same size but Tyler has a couple inches on Josh who keeps tripping over the sweatpants that are too long on him

 Josh is sleepy and rubs at his face with the too long hoodie sleeves, it’s absolutely adorable

“How you doing?” Tyler asks amused

Sleepy boy tries to respond but all that comes out are indecipherable mumbles that make Tyler smile

“Lets go to sleep.”

Tyler slowly lays Josh down on the bed who immediately passes out as soon as his head hits the fluffy red pillow

For a moment Tyler stares at Josh’s sleeping form, eyes tracing every curve of his body

_He really is a beautiful creature_

If it weren't for the shrill ringing breaking the nights silence Tyler’s head would have been in the clouds until morning

He looks around frantically for the source of the ringing and finds a phone in the pocket of Josh’s pants that are lying on the floor

The caller ID reads ‘James’ and Tyler debates if he should answer it or not

Before he’s made up his mind the call stops and he lets out a relieved breath

_Thank goodness_

Just as he sets the phone down it begins to ring again and Tyler immediately answers it in fear that his family will begin waking up from the noise

“Hello?”

“Who is this? Where is Josh?” The voice on the other line is laced with venom and Tyler fears this person will tear him apart if he doesn’t say the right thing

“Um… I… I’m Tyler. Josh is here, he’s sleeping. Who… are you?”

When there is no immediate answer Tyler feels that he’s said that wrong thing

“Who am I!?”

He hears a disgusted scoff and contemplates waking Josh to deal with this furious human

“I’m his goddamn brother! I’ve never heard Josh mention you before. If you’ve hurt him I promise I will kill you.”

Tyler’s brain struggles to comprehend what’s happening but he decides to try and say something to assure that Josh is fine

“Wait… James… Josh and I haven't known each other for very long but we go to school together. And uh… he called a couple hours ago asking for help so I went to pick him up and I asked if he wanted to go home but he said no… Now he’s here and he’s sleeping. I swear he’s okay.”

“Prove it.”

_Shit_

Tyler’s brain promptly stops working and he begins to accept that Josh’s brother is going to kill him

~~_Take a picture of him you imbecile_ ~~

“I’ll um, I’ll take a picture of him… give me a sec.”

James grunts on the other line and Tyler snaps the best picture he can with shaky hands and dim lighting

The 60 seconds it takes for the picture to send feel like an eternity to Tyler who is pacing silently around his room

“Did you get it?”

Tyler’s voice is hesitant since he doesn't want to set James off again

“Yes… thank God. I was so worried.”

His voice lacks the previous venom and now he just sounds relieved

“Thank you so much for watching out for him, And I’m sorry for blowing up on you I just… Josh does stupid stuff sometimes ya know?”

Tyler hums

“I’ll tell him to text you when he wakes up tomorrow? If that’s okay?”

James chuckles “Yes please… tell him I love him.”

“Will do, bye.”

The line goes dead and Tyler stares at Josh once again

Though this time he cant get James’s words out of his head ‘Josh does stupid stuff sometimes ya know?’

No, Tyler didn't know

But now he does and he can’t keep his mind from running off the deep end of dark thoughts

 _Has he purposely hurt himself before?_  
_What were his plans tonight?_

Tyler thinks himself into a migraine before finally deciding it’s time to try and sleep

He snuggles up next to Josh and refrains from putting his arms around the sleeping boy

_Not yet…_

The rhythmic flow of Josh’s quiet breaths lull Tyler into a calm mindset and he falls asleep counting the freckles on Josh’s cheeks


	11. Freckled Skin Draws Me In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hyped to finally get this chapter out there! Apologies to those who have been waiting patiently... I Appreciate you <3

Nightmares frequently parade through Tyler’s dreams, but they don’t dare come around while the angel sleeps soundly by a child of the moon

Even Evil knows when to briefly halt the advances of misfortune

So for a single night the sky takes hold of Tyler’s conscience and lets him dream freely with his heart

Instead of nightmares he dreams of the person lying close to him as they sleep

Blue lips and starlit freckles

Dark curls perfectly messy

A bright smile and downcast gaze

Fluttering eyelashes framing almond eyes

Shaking fingers roaming freely

Gentle laughs littering the air

Hugs of trust outside in the cold

Pine tree shadows hiding their blushes

~ ~ ~

When Tyler sits up in the morning he finds a smile stuck on his face

_What’s the opposite of a nightmare?_

He brushes the remaining flecks of dream dust out of his eyes

_A nightblessing?_  
_I think so_

The warmth from his dreamworld has followed Tyler into reality and he doesn't feel the usual dread that often plagues him in the mornings

_Josh must be magical_

Where is Josh?

Tyler scans his room and finds it to be empty

_Maybe I imagined last night…_

His heart sinks at that idea

_Maybe I’ve absolutely lost it and Josh never called and I’m just an insane schizo who-_

Childlike giggling echoes through the house and settles in Tyler’s ears

He can tell it’s his little sister Maddy

Since when was she in good spirits in the morning?

More giggling pulls him out of bed and he spots Josh’s discarded, dirt covered clothes on the floor

_So he is here_  
_Good_

Now Zack has joined in on the laughing

If Tyler wasn’t a curious soul he would crawl back into bed, but he is, and he has a hunch that the giggling may lead him to his missing Josh

“YOU WERENT SUPPOSE TO DO THAT ZACK!!”

“WE’RE SHARING MADDY.”

“BUT I FOUND HIM FIRST!”

That doesn't sound good

Without bothering to freshen up Tyler scurries down the stairs and spots his mom sitting undisturbed by the ruckus sipping her morning tea

“Mom what are Zack and Maddy screaming about?”

She looks up at him with a small smile and gives him a look he can’t decipher

“I think they’re having a hard time sharing.”

Tyler stares at his mom with a blank face

“I hope you don’t mean sharing Josh.”

Mrs. Joseph shifts a little then tilts her head a bit

“They’ve always loved meeting new people.” she mumbles through the top of her mug held very close to her lips, hiding the amused smile

Tyler is honestly speechless

“You just.” He smacks his head “Let them attack him? Is he even alive right now?”

“YOU CAN’T PUT THAT IN HIS HAIR MADDY!!!”

Several shrieks vibrate the walls

The pair stare at each other for a moment before Tyler decides it’s time to go find Josh, be it dead or alive

Ever hesitant, he tip toes into the art room where the shrieking is coming from and slowly peeks his head in

The sight he is met with shocks him in every way imaginable and fills his heart with warm orbs of light

Josh is sitting between his two siblings who are prancing around him like he’s some sort of sacrifice about to be offered up

Maddy had evidently gotten a hold of the nail polish and Josh is sitting passively between the two bickering children with pastel pink nails held carefully in the air, making sure not to ruin them

Tyler looks at Josh’s face expecting to see him distressed but is met with a gentle smile only Josh could make look so sweet

“Maddy! Zack! What do you think you are doing with _my_ friend?”

The younger siblings snap their attention over to Tyler with awkward smiles and guilty eyes

Josh goes to itch his nose and Maddy immediately screeches at him not to move his hands because she ‘worked extremely hard on those nails’

Poor Josh immediately freezes and looks back up at Tyler with a small frown and eyes asking for mercy

“Guys! knock it off, get off him! Go!”

He shoos them away from his friend and they stumble away from Josh, leaving the room with threatening glares and dramatic sighs

“Oh my… what did they do you?” Tyler’s arms sag to his sides uselessly and he smacks his forehead in distress

Josh shrugs a little and glitter cascades off his shoulders “They were just having fun.”

_He’s too nice_

“You’re too nice dude.”

Tyler walks over to where Josh is sat on the floor, keeping his hands still and back straight

“Well um, Maddy wanted to paint my nails and I couldn't say no. Uh, Zack just wanted me to play video games with him. But when I tried to take the remote I almost screwed up the nail polish which freaked her out. Then she kept trying to dye my hair with paint…I think Zack dumped one of the glitter bottles on me…”

While Tyler feels anger towards his younger gremlin-like siblings he also feels an overwhelming wave of fondness for the boy who let the wild kids do what they wanted without complaining

Josh shifts once again and looks down at the glittery mess beneath him bashfully

“They’re nice. I should probably clean all this up…”

Tyler laughs loudly at that and sits down next to Josh whose starting to pick up the mess he had no part in making

“No Josh, it’s fine. They’ll clean all this up.” He eyes the drying paint in Josh’s hair and chuckles lightly “I think we should focus on getting you cleaned up right now.”

Josh runs a nail painted hand through his hair and cringes

“Do I wanna know how bad it looks?”

“Probably not.”

“…okay…”

Tyler also runs his fingers through Josh’s stuck together curls and makes a face

“Come here.”

He helps Josh stand and they both watch as the glitter falls majestically to the ground

Josh taps his palms together and licks his lips

“That’s how your skin looks sometimes, or your eyes.”

Tyler isn’t exactly sure what Josh means but decides to dismiss the comment and carries on with leading Josh towards the bathroom

As they pass by the kitchen a small gasp followed by a stream of words stops the boys and Mrs. Joseph swoops towards them with quick steps

“Oh sweetheart! What have they done to you? I can not _believe_ those two.”

Josh is slightly unsettled by the similar tonality between her and Tyler’s voice

“How are we gonna get the paint out of his hair mom?”

She sighs and inspects the mess of color

“I think you should try normal shampoo, and if that doesn't work try some dish soap, and soak his hair in hot water then brush it out with a fine-tooth comb.”

They nod in sync and Josh struggles not to ask why there’s no stars in their house, he knows that probably wouldn't make sense

A black figure appears in Josh’s peripheral vision and he quickly glances over, spotting the cat Milo who has mango breath and summertime purrs

Milo jumps onto the windowsill and looks straight into Josh’s soul with all-knowing eyes and hypnotic tail flicks

Josh knows the cat can see what happened to him

He wishes Milo would clarify his fuzzy memories and panicky outbursts

_You know don’t you?_  
_Please tell me_

The cat seems to respond with dilated pupils but brings no peace to his aching mind

Outside of Josh’s world the conversation between Mrs. Joseph and Tyler continues on until a question is directed at the glitter covered boy and no answer is received

“You there Josh-o?”

Tyler nudges Josh gently and sees that his friend’s chocolate eyes are glazed over and staring into another place once again

Mrs. Joseph grows concerned and casts her son a questioning glance

“He’s fine mom, Josh just zones out sometimes, I’ll take him upstairs to clean up.”

As Tyler leads his absent friend towards the bathroom he spots Maddy and Zack spying on them from their rooms and Tyler glares intensely at them

“If his hair is ruined because of this you guys will pay.”

The gremlins shrink back into their rooms and Tyler begins planning how to save Josh’s beautiful curls

“Hey, Josh-o.”

Tyler rubs Josh’s shoulders and looks into his eyes until the freckled boy blinks and returns the eye contact

He hums and smiles at Tyler with a lost look

“Would you be okay with taking a shower here? Try to get as much paint out of your hair as possible okay? Then I’ll get the rest out when you finish… sound good?”

Josh hums again then leans into Tyler and rubs his face on his shoulder

“What are you doing?” he chuckles then hugs the glitter boy back, rubbing his neck lightly

“You okay?”

About a minute passes before Josh pulls aways and looks up at Tyler with a grin

“I was seeing if your colors would mix with mine? I thought maybe we could both sparkle.”

Josh is being completely serious and Tyler decides to ask what he means

Josh steps back and looks up at the ceiling, his eyes darting around frantically before returning to meet Tyler’s gaze

“Everyone has colors… some people mix very nicely. I was just… trying to borrow some of your sparkle, it’s like your energy. Instead of a loud color you just sparkle… I like that.”

Something clicks in Tyler’s mind as understanding blooms through his heart

“You can borrow my sparkle whenever you’d like. Now, are you gonna take a shower?”

Tyler thinks he sees tears form in Josh’s eyes

“Um… yea, Can I um, Can I use your shampoo and stuff?”

“For sure, there’s clean towels under the sink.”

Josh keeps his gaze on the ground as a blush spreads over his cheeks and nose, he leans close to Tyler then whispers

“Thank you.”

Promptly disappearing into the bathroom and shutting the door slowly

~ ~ ~

When Josh emerges from the shower Tyler is not prepared for the sight he’s about to behold

His curly haired ~~crush~~ friend shyly peaks into the room

“I um, can I… Do you have some clean clothes?”

“Sure, come here.”

Josh steps fully into his room and Tyler turns away quickly to gather his composure

Who knew such a cute kid could simultaneously be breathtakingly hot?

He finds some clean sweatpants and a sweater then turns to hand them to Josh who is standing awkwardly in the middle of Tyler’s room half naked

As Josh grabs the clothes Tyler gets an eyeful of his body and mentally curses himself for all the details he notices

Like how Josh has freckles _everywhere_

Or how the water droplets slowly trickle down the form of his chest

The soft definition of muscle

His happy trail disappearing under the red towel

Tyler stops right there before his mind can go anywhere dirty

“Thank you Ty.”

_Anything for you baby_

He clears his throat

“No problem.”

“I’ll be uh, right back… Just gonna go change.”

They make brief eye contact before Josh disappears again, stumbling over air, and Tyler is left to hate on himself for being gross

Josh returns a minute later completely clothed and Tyler can’t decide if he’s more disappointed or relieved

“I got a lot of the paint out but, I-I don’t think I got all of it…”

For the first time since Josh had emerged from the shower Tyler takes a good look at his face and has to hold his breath all over again

Josh’s dark curls look even darker and are mostly flattened against his head except for the hairs that have begun drying and curl dramatically, poking out every which way

His face is flushed a gentle red and his lips look nicer than Tyler remembers

“I can comb the rest of it out for you?”

Josh nods then looks up at Tyler with _those eyes_

“Where do you want me to sit?”

Tyler swallows down the warmth clouding his mind and tries to pull his mind back up to reality

“We can just sit on the floor right here.”

Josh shuffles over then slowly lowers himself onto the ground, looking at Tyler expectantly as he waits for him to sit down as well

“Let me go get a comb real quick.”

He dashes out of the room and walks slower than necessary to his mom

_What’s happening?_

His clammy palms find purchase on the kitchen sink, gripping tightly to the edge as he struggles to identify the emotions overfilling his heart

_I shouldn’t have let this happen_

Tyler begins wondering if he’s let himself feel too much, set himself up for pain all over again

_Is it too late to back out?_

He tries to envision telling Josh he doesn't want to see him anymore and the image of possible heartbreak on the others face causes a lump to form in his throat

No way he could do that

“Tyler honey, are you alright?”

_No_

“Yea.”

He forces an honest smile and turns to look his mother straight on… he’ll address the emotions later

“Do you have a comb I can borrow?”

She smiles brightly, always eager to help out

“Did he get most of the paint out? I’m gonna have a talk with your siblings later, I hope he isn't too upset…”

Mrs. Joseph continues with the mindless chatter until Tyler has a comb in his hand and gives her a hug trying to shush her

“Thanks momma.”

They share a mutual glance of affection before Tyler disappears up the stairs, stopping abruptly before his door and taking a couple deep breaths

_I can do this…_  
_What am I doing?_  
_I need to stop this_  
_I need to stop_

Before he works himself into a panic Tyler mentally shoves himself into the room

“Josh?”

Apparently Josh has a niche for vanishing whenever he’s left alone for more than a few seconds

“You still in here?” Silence

Right as he’s about to turn around and go search the rest of the house he hears shuffling and sees Josh roll out from under the bed with uncertainty written all over his face

“I’m sorry.” He sits up abruptly and curls up like he’s about to be scolded “You were gone for a while and it was too open, I don't um, like that. Not safe.”

His face flushes and his hands begin twitching, seemingly agitated

“I w-wasn’t trying to hide. Just… um.”

Sensing Josh’s frustration and fear Tyler holds out his hands and tries to be reassuring

“It’s all good Josh, I get it, no need to be sorry okay?”

“Thanks Ty.”

Josh is staring at his hands like they’re the most intriguing things in the world and Tyler feels the need to make him feel more at ease

Wordlessly, he sits on the floor and motions for Josh to come closer which he does without hesitation

Tyler scoots up behind him and takes a moment to stare at the back of his head, once again noticing little details he wishes weren't so endearing

The curls beginning at the nape of his neck

Barely there freckles behind his ears

Are those earring holes?

“Dude you’re ears are pierced?”

Josh giggles a little and nods

“I did it when I was 15 but haven’t worn them in a while.”

Tyler frowns a bit

The thought of Josh with piercings was _hot_

“Why’d you take em out?”

He shrugs a little “People didn't like them.”

Tyler got the feeling ‘people’ meant Pete

“I like them.”

Josh grins

“You haven’t even seen them.”

“I know I would like them. You’d look good no matter what.”

Tyler’s the one flushing now

_Didn't mean to say that out loud_

Before he can say anything else stupid Tyler goes to work on Josh’s hair, gently resting a hand on his head and working the comb through the damp curls

He focuses on getting each left over fleck of paint from Josh’s hair and soon enough Tyler is entranced in his work

He begins to hum lightly and smiles when he notices Josh leaning back into his touch with chocolate eyes closed

_Such a lovely human_

Sooner than he’d like, all the remaining paint has been removed and he finds himself almost unwilling to let the moment end

“Looks good Josh…”

Tyler slowly runs a hand through Josh's almost dried hair once more then places his hands back in his lap

“All done.”

Josh turns around with a sheepish smile

“Thanks…You um, you sound nice.”

“Hm?”

“When you hum… it’s nice, your voice… sounds like peace, everything that’s safe.”

Tyler is taken back by the compliment and grins

“Thanks man.”

Josh clicks his tongue a couple times before his attention is quickly grabbed by something in the air, Tyler wonders what he sees

_I’ll ask one day_

As Tyler studies Josh studying the ceiling his mind suddenly bursts into alarm as he recalls the conversation with James last night

“Josh!”

The harsh yell of his name causes the pale boy to flinch and scurry backwards towards the bed, he looks up at Tyler with a gaze begging for compassion

_Shit…_

Several red flags have been raised and Tyler really needs to know why Josh seems so frightened all the time

“No no no, You’re okay Josh-o. I just remembered something important…”

Josh nods and his muscles relax a bit

“Your brother James called me last night, he was pretty worried about you… Anyway, I told him I’d have you call today.”

Tyler notices Josh seems glued to his spot on the ground so he retrieves Josh’s phone and hands it to him

“I’ll just wait outside until you’re done.”

“Thank you Ty…”

Josh’s tone is forlorn and his eyes are cloudy again

_Why are you so sad????_

He exits the room and despite the voices telling him not to, Tyler listens quietly outside the door

Silence fills the room for a few moments before he hears Josh’s unmistakable voice speaking hesitantly

“Hey James…”

Tyler wishes he could hear the other side of the conversation but is left with only Josh’s soft responses

“I know…”

Is Josh crying??

Tyler has to resist barging in

“I… I’m sorry.”

Josh is for sure crying now, quiet sniffles and shaky breathing filling the gaps of silence

“I wasn't trying to do that… I know… I didn't want to.”

Despite not being able to hear what James is saying Tyler can tell that his voice is rising on the other line

“But… It _doesn't_ help me!”

Josh isn’t exactly yelling, rather harshly whispering

“Okay…”

The last word is uttered in an almost broken way, Josh sounds so tired

Before the conversation comes to a complete end Tyler creeps away from the door and waits on the couch downstairs

_He deserves some privacy_

~~_But what’s the harm in knowing?_ ~~

He pointedly ignores the demon

Several minutes pass before Josh comes quietly down the stairs and sits wordlessly next to Tyler

He examines Josh’s face carefully while asking his next question

“Everything okay?”

The moon child doesn't look away from his feet and shrugs

“I don’t know.”

Tyler feels his lungs constrict and ignores the voices screaming at him to run, he cares too much

He cares  _too_ much

He’s drowning in emotions and for the first time he doesn't try to escape

At least not yet


	12. Red Shadows Will Be My Gallows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a while and I'm sorry ):  
> The entire chapter was written a while ago but more than half of it got deleted and I almost gave up on rewriting it, but I somehow managed 
> 
> Enjoy (;

As soon as Josh wakes he’s met with too many sensations

The air looks different, his skin feels softer, like someone had taken sandpaper to wood

The sheets are silkier, theres no window above his head, the morning light hits his face at a different angle than usual, but most prominent is the extra presence mingling with his own

He’s not alone

Short-lived panic causes him to freeze but his mind soon recalls the events of last night

Josh had dismissed his self preservation and Tyler was the one to lift him from the mess

His memories are fuzzing together and Josh can’t seem to interpret the individual pieces into a whole picture

Instead, snippets of yesterdays events glide behind his eyelids in a foggy form;

Stroking silken cat fur the same way water smooths over river rocks

Hot chocolate

Oh yea, Josh had drank both of them because he’s an idiot

Tyler holding him and feeling suffocated but simultaneously not close enough to the warmth

Summer-soaked clothes that smelled so strongly of the golden boy he could feel it absorbing into his skin

Clothes that he’s currently still bundled in

Josh ties himself to the present by counting Tyler’s sleep-submerged breaths and stimming with the hoodie strings

Tyler is safe

But right now safe isn’t providing comfort

So Josh slowly creeps out of the bed, searching for a sense of familiarity or somethings with tangible conformation that he isn't dreaming

He stands motionless in the center of Tyler’s room to absorb the new surroundings and tries to acquaint himself with the atmosphere

The ceiling fan spins with a tick and the repetitive puffs of air feel pale and washed out

Tyler lies stationary and Josh tries not to think about how sleep seems to mimic death, he wonders what his last breath will be like

His fingertips brush along all the flat surfaces of the room and eventually finds solace in the form of some pencils skewed about a desk, he puts one between his teeth and gnaws on it until the discomfort is all but faded

Josh observes a torn piece of notebook paper in front of him and sees several rows of scribbled writing

Matters of privacy fail to cross his mind so he picks up the paper and tries to decipher the little symbols, but theres too many words spewing too many colors so he gives up and resorts to doodling on the paper instead

Alien spaceships and stars begin to liter the page and he smiles a bit while adding a feather to finish it off

Somethings missing

Josh draws a little smiley face at the bottom corner because why not? He’s a happy boy

_Right?_

Soon enough, sounds emanating from the world downstairs call to Josh’s curiosity and he finds himself walking slowly down the steps

He peeks into the kitchen and finds a scene not much different from that of his own family

A mother drinking something out of a mug, children sitting at a counter eating sugary cereal from plastic bowls

Before he can decide wether to not to show himself Mrs. Joseph spots him

“Good morning dear! It’s Josh right?”

The words don't really process but he nods since it sounds like a question

“How are you feeling? Would you like some breakfast?”

_Feeling, feelings…_  
_Breakfast?_  
_I don’t feel good_

His head starts hurting so instead of trying to answer he just smiles and walks away, entering the nearest room and sitting heavily on the floor

Perhaps not his brightest idea

Not five seconds pass before he’s being attacked by the two kids he had seen in the kitchen moments ago and Josh gets distracted by noticing all the facial similarities they share with their older brother

_Tyler is prettier_

“Do you think he can talk?”

The little girl has her head tilted as she examines him and Josh feels oddly self-conscious

Was he supposed to be saying something?

He wracks his mind for ‘normal’ words or one of the sentences James told him to use when he doesn’t know what to say… Nothing surfaces so he remains statue-still

“Of course he can Maddy. Everyone can talk.” Counters the slightly older looking boy

Josh hopes they’ll get bored and leave but they instead start poking at him, seeing just how far he’ll let them go

Dread starts resonating in his chest since he’s never been able to say no… even when he needs to

The little girl, Maddy, grabs Josh’s hand and slowly pulls it towards her, gauging his reaction

When Josh continues being a statue she squeals excitedly and runs off with skipping strides

For the brief moment she’s away the boy taps Josh’s forehead with bony knuckles

“Wanna play video games with me?”

_Not really_

He nods, afraid to refuse the child

“I’m baaack!.”

Maddy plops a large box in front of him with an unsettling grin, Josh thinks her pigtails are deceiving

“My mom got me all this cool stuff for my birthday but I haven't had anyone to practice on… You seem good though.”

Zack is siting off to the side with a smirk and Josh decides against asking him for help

He’s about to inquire what she plans on doing but his question is answered when she starts pulling out nail polish and other assortments of makeup

_Oh…_  
_This isn’t so bad…_

Despite not really wanting to be the canvas of a hyper child the excitement on her face melts all his resolve so he endures silently

“Which pink do you like better?”

She holds the varying shades of nail polish too close to his face and he points at the light one over the excessive sparkles

Maddy chitters excitedly while struggling to open the stubborn bottle so of course Josh reaches out as a silent offer to assist and she gives it to him promptly

“I like you Josh. Tyler’s right, you’re very sweet.”

_Tyler said that?_

He feels his cheeks warm up and his hands start shaking from the accumulation of nerves

It takes him a moment to open the bottle and when he does the potent chemical smell causes his eyes to water and throat to itch

_This is fine_

Maddy orders him to set his hand out on the paper towel

_Very bossy…_

When he obliges she goes to pull his sleeve up a bit and he immediately retracts his hand, blood running cold

Both the children give him an odd look, probably asking a question, but all he can focus on is the fact that she could of revealed something he’s not prepared to show

“Sorry, just… tired.” Josh hates his voice

They both nod and Maddy sets his hand back in place, this time careful to avoid his sleeve

“I was just gonna make sure I don’t get polish on your clothes.” Her energy has wilted a bit

Guilt immediately shoots Josh in the chest and he feels an intense wave of self loathing, his skin begins to itch

_I’m sorry_

Josh decides now is probably a good time to zone out so he can escape the crippling self hatred and stop himself from doing anything else stupid

_I’m sorry…_

~ ~ ~

“YOU WERENT SUPPOSE TO DO THAT ZACK!!”

Josh’s mind catapults back to earth so fast he can feel his skull rattle

“WE’RE SHARING MADDY.”

It takes a moment to figure out what they’re arguing about but he soon spots Zack holding an empty bottle of what use to be glitter and a very upset looking Maddy reaching out to smack him

“BUT I FOUND HIM FIRST!”

Josh stares up at them and feels an invisible pressure to appease both the vexed children

They’re fighting over him so it’s his fault right?

He shifts a little and watches transfixed as glitter twinkles off his head and shoulders

_Woah_  
_Pretty_

“I think Josh should play video games with me now! You’ve been painting his nails for the last hour!”

_What?_  
_Oh yea…_

His nails are in fact coated in pastel pink polish… and he likes it

“You can’t just pour glitter all over someone!”

“But it’s okay to paint their nails??”

“Thats different!”

Zack turns away from his sister with a huff and offers him a video game controller, when Josh goes to grab for it Maddy suddenly screeches

“I think not Josh! I worked extremely hard on those nails and I’m not gonna let you mess them up!”

_Sorry sorry sorry sorry_

Josh wonders if it’s normal to be so afraid of a child half his age

The constant bickering between the two siblings turns into muffled background noise as Josh starts zoning out again

_Maybe this is all a dream_

It isn’t until he feels something cold and slimy glopping onto his head that he comes back to present time

_What_  
_ew ew ew_

Josh vigilantly resists the urge to get up and run away, again reminding himself that this is making the kids happy so he shouldn't complain

_I love this_  
_I love kids_  
_This is great_

“YOU CAN’T PUT THAT IN HIS HAIR MADDY!!!”

_I’ve made a mistake_

“Yes I can Zack!!”

_Please wake up Ty_

Josh clasps his hands together which turns out to be another mistake

“Keep your hands in the air until your nails are dry!”

He does so immediately, carefully holding them rather awkwardly above his lap and trying to ignore the persistent itch on his nose

“You’re not the boss of him Maddison.”

He begins to feel suffocated by the tension in the air so to distract himself from the chaos Josh begins counting every time the siblings hit each other

3…

4…

5,6…

“Maddy! Zack! What do you think you’re doing with _my_ friend?”

_Tyler?_

Misty silence settles in the room as the siblings look moodily at their older brother

Josh takes the opportunity to itch his nose which proves to be another mistake as somehow Maddy sees and screeches at him

The anxiety camping out in his chest threatens to unleash so he looks up to Tyler with a silent plea for help and the golden boy understands immediately

“Guys! Knock it off, get off him! Go!”

Josh tries to ignore the unnecessary guilt for ruining their fun

“Oh my… What did they do to you?”

Tyler smacks his forehead in frustration and Josh almost mimics the action

He tries to defuse the situation, always a mediator

“They were just having fun.”

“You’re too nice dude.”

_Oops_

Josh suddenly feels the need to explain why there’s such a mess on the ground so Tyler doesn't get mad

He spews out an explanation he hopes makes sense while Tyler stares intently at him with a mixed expression and unfocused gaze

Josh feels exposed so he shifts a little causing more glitter to fall away and dirty the floor

_Oops oops_

“They’re nice, I should probably clean all this up…”

He scrambles to start putting the nail polish back in the bucket when Tyler laughs and tells him that his siblings will clean up the mess

“I think we should focus on getting you cleaned up right now”

_??_

Josh runs a hand with pretty pink nails through his hair and feels a bit nauseous, theres an impressive amount of paint drying flakily on his head

“Do I wanna know how bad it looks?”

Tyler crosses his arms and quirks his mouth

“Probably not.”

If the floor decided to swallow Josh right now he wouldn’t mind

“…okay…”

When Tyler helps him stand the glitter piled on his shoulders falls to the ground like enchanted snow and he’s suddenly reminded of Tyler’s skin and the way it sparkles

He isn't sure if he voices those thoughts or not but it doesn't really matter since Tyler just takes his hand and continues leading him to somewhere

His hands are warm

Mrs. Joseph approaches them at some point and Josh can’t bring himself to focus on anything other than similar tonality between their voices, it’s unsettling

Talking carries on and Josh knows he should be putting more effort into listening but their cat is staring into his soul with all-knowing eyes and a mind that has answers to all his questions

Like what happened to him?

_You know don't you?_  
_Please tell me_

Before Josh can ward off the oncoming disassociation he feels the static cloud his mind and time slips away

_Time is an illusion anyway_

And reality is something he’s never truly understood

_Nothing seems to matter all that much since everyone dies in the end…_

Josh starts envisioning his funeral; blue ties and origami flowers

Maybe some red confetti for the contrast

Perhaps he’s morbid and thinks about dying too much but it’s a comforting fact that calms him when the earth starts spinning too fast

Josh can never picture a long life, his is meant to be short

But why?

Because the masked man said so

Josh is pulled from his mind and rerooted to the earth when he feels Tyler’s warm hands causing friction on his shoulders

“Hey, Josh-o.”

They meet eyes and Josh suddenly forgets what he was thinking about

_Oops_

Tyler is saying something about a shower but all Josh can think about his how pretty Tyler’s skin is and wonder why it shines the way it does

An idea comes to mind and he pushes his body against Tyler without really thinking and rests his head on the warm shoulder

Time slips away yet again

“You okay?”

_Of course I am_

Before he can stop himself Josh is telling Tyler of his mysterious sparkle, Ty raises his eyebrows a bit and asks for clarification

Josh stares at the ceiling for a moment and considers running away

“Everyone has colors… some people mix very nicely. I was just… trying to borrow some of your sparkle, it’s like your energy. Instead of a loud color you just sparkle… I like that.”

Josh shouldn’t bother trying to explain stuff

“You can borrow my sparkle whenever you’d like. Now, are you gonna take a shower?”

_Wow_

He wasn't expecting Tyler to understand and the fact that someone finally does causes his eyes to sting with salty tears

“Um… yea, Can I um, Can I use your shampoo and stuff?”

Josh is still in awe of Tyler

“For sure, there’s clean towels under the sink.”

For whatever reason Josh can’t find the courage to look Tyler in the eye so he leans in close and whispers

“Thank you.”

He turns away quickly and shuts the bathroom door slowly so the hinges won’t squeak

~ ~ ~

After washing his hair three times and staring for too long at the paint draining away, Josh turns the water off and steps out of the shower

Goosebumps rise on his skin as he snatches a towel out from under the sink and wraps it around himself

_Warm warm_

He’s staring into the foggy mirror while his mind tries to alert him of the issue

Josh breaths in sharply as he realizes that he forgot to bring clothes into the bathroom with him

_I’m an idiot_

He attempts to think of a solution that doesn't require conversation with Tyler but comes up with nothing

_Oh no_

His fingers start to tingle and his vision blurs

Josh wraps his towel tightly around his waist and ignores his insecurities

_I can do this_

His chocolate eyes unintentionally glance at his arms for a split second and a whole new wave of panic causes him to nearly black out

_Scars_

Though fading, his arms are decorated with white lines varying in size and length

Josh swallows thickly and wipes away a stray tear that decided to pay him a visit

_Maybe he won’t see them?_

He takes one last breath and walks deliberately slow, if Tyler sees the scars what’s gonna happen? Josh wouldn’t be able to cope with losing Ty over this

He would never forgive himself

Ever slow he peeks into the room and spots Tyler sitting on his bed humming mindlessly while scribbling something in a notebook

“I um, Can I… Do you have some clean clothes?”

Tyler stands up gracefully and his face reddens

“Sure, come here.”

Josh steps into the room that suddenly feels too bright and the walls seem to glower at him with judgment

Tyler hastily grabs some clothes out of his drawers and holds them out to Josh, he takes them quickly and doesn't miss how Tyler’s gaze lingers on his body for a few seconds

He hopes Tyler isn't judging

As soon as the clothes are in his possession he drapes them over his arms to conceal the scars from sight

His heart is beating rapidly and he half expects Tyler to mention his arms

When no words are spoken Josh feels fairly certain that he’s succeeded in keeping his secret and thanks Tyler

The golden boy is still acting a bit off and little balls of electricity buzz around his head

“No problem.”

Josh goes to change into his clothes and calms down considerably once his body is completely covered up

Before returning Josh stares at his reflection and tries to feel something other than repulsed

_Disgusting_

An unsettling scene passes through his minds eye, theres a mask and it’s cold, water is on the ground and a tv is playing something he doesn't want to watch

Josh shivers and rubs a hand over his face in distain

_Something’s wrong with me_

Temptation to walk back out into the forest and freeze tugs at his soul strings but he instead directs himself to Ty’s room and ignores the unsettling vision

~ ~ ~

If you asked Josh what transpired to end up with him sitting on the floor of an unfamiliar room with the most fascinating boy he’s ever met combing through his hair, he would tell you he doesn't recall

Time was passing weirdly, like trying to pour water through a sand filled hourglass

Tyler had gone to get a comb and the open air started pinching Josh’s face so he’d rolled under the bed and Tyler didn't get mad, he had said everything was okay

So Josh had felt okay and let himself get lost in the sensation of Ty running a comb through his hair, occasionally brushing his talented fingers over his scalp

They were talking about things he’d soon forget and for the first time in his life Josh had felt at ease with another person

Presently, Josh is sitting nervously on Tyler’s forest-scented bed bouncing his legs to shake away the yellow-green nausea

He’s calling his brother to face the panic he’s sure to of caused by stupidly trying to freeze in the forest

“Josh?”

“Hey James…”

“You’re an idiot Joshua.”

“I know…”

Josh can't stop his heart from unraveling and he begins to cry silently

“You scared the _shit_ out of me! Hell, you scared all of us!”

“I… I’m sorry.”

“Do I need to be worried? Are you trying to hurt yourself?”

“I wasn’t trying to do that.”

“Sure as heck seems like you were Josh.”

“I know…”

“You at least should have come home.”

“I didn't want to.”

Josh hears his brother sigh heavily

“Maybe you should try taking your meds consistently…”

_Did he really just say that?_

“Who knows J, it might end up helping in the long run.”

For the first time in a long time Josh feels sharp pinpricks in his chest… anger

“But… It _doesn't_ help me!”

James rambles out something apologetic but Josh isn't listening

“Okay..”

He hangs up the phone and watches as his colors begin losing their familiarity

Once again he’s trapped in a world of monochromatic reds and ebony shadows

Josh sits for an indistinguishable amount of time, contemplating the value of his life and the amount of pain it would cause if he were able to go away

Surely his existence isn't significant

How could it be? He’s just a Josh with an impressive pile of issues

Unlike his mind, his heart knows exactly what to do and Josh soon finds himself sitting leg to leg by Tyler on the couch

“Everything okay?”

_Maybe with you I’m alive, but when I’m alone my life is worthless_

Josh stares at the red shadows on his shoes and shrugs

“I don’t know.”

_I don’t want to know_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all  
> ˆ ¬ø√´ ¥ø¨ å¬¬ 


	13. Pointed Conversation, Point in observation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOw Wow wOw wowowowowow I'm so sorry  
> I am SO SORRY  
> Summer was crazy as heck but school started Monday and now I've got a routine which means regular updates are gonna be a thing again  
> Also this chapter isn't even finished but I needed to post something

If there is one thing Josh fears more than red shadows it’s confrontation

Which is exactly what happens as soon as he returns home from Tyler’s house

He’s been sat in ‘the chair’

The shining spectacle of a conversation he doesn't want to have, all eyes on him, all energy surging through the air in a mixed range of purples and yellows, concern and aggravation

Josh doesn't look up from the ground because he doesn't want to see, instead feeling the tension and trying to focus on the fact that death is patting him on the shoulder as a silent confirmation that he isn't alone

Or even if he is it shouldn't matter because _everyone_ dies alone and being miserable should be okay since everything will end

And nothing matters

Because everyone passes on

Soon to be forgotten

His existence won’t last

So neither will his agony

He can hear his parents talking, mostly interrupting each other in attempts to put all their emotions into words

He wishes they would speak slower

James is siting in the corner with his brow furrowed and arms crossed, he doesn't look up

“Josh please say something.” The muffled voice swims into his consciousness

His eyes slowly rise to meet his fathers wiser ones

Their gazes hold and Josh can see the desperation pooling like teardrops

Even if he had anything to say Josh wouldn't be able to force any sounds from his mouth

He’s too tired

What’s the point anyhow?

“I think we need to contact Mr. Port…” Mrs. Dun whispers

His parents look at each other with urgency and James springs up from his seat, sharply turning the corner and slamming the front door

_Who?_

Maybe the confusion is showing on his face because his parents approach the next question very slowly, like they’re afraid to hear his response

“Baby, you remember Mr. Port?”

Mrs. Dun is holding her breath while she pets the top of his cold hand

No, he has no idea what she’s talking about, but he doesn't want to upset her more so he looks to his father for help

“Um…”

His father only sighs, a sad wilting sigh that makes dead petals fall from the sky

“I… don’t…”

Josh isn't sure what he’s expecting

Maybe she’ll start crying again, maybe his father will be angry or they’ll hug him and say everything’s okay

Instead, nothing happens

Silence haunts the room and everything stills

Her warm hand has stopped being comforting so he tries to gently shrug it off which causes her pretty hazel eyes to turn rusty

She retracts herself and stands up in a tired way

“I’m gonna go check on James.”

His parent share a quick peck before she whisks away and Josh is left alone with his father

For a long while Josh sits quietly, legs vibrating, eyes blinking rapidly

He can feel the pressure of his fathers steady gaze but doesn't look up since all he’ll be met with is a grim expression caused by his existence

Mr. Dun stands and Josh expects him to leave but he instead kneels down next to the twitching boy and forces their eyes to meet

“Joshua…”

Josh stops blinking to show he’s ready to listen and observes his fathers shaking lips

“I love you… _so_ much… And I hope you know that your pain is my pain…and I will do anything to help you. We’re going to pull through this.”

Josh begins trembling and looks away as his father continues to stare pointedly at his face

“ _You_ are gonna get through this… wether you want to or not.”

Josh knows what his father is implying but he still doesn't understand what he’s suppose to be getting through

_What happened?_  
_WhathappenedWhathappenedWhathappened?_

Getting through school? Getting through life?

Somethings missing

Instead of trying to form a coherent thought Josh resorts to nodding and putting his forehead on his fathers shoulder to hide his readable face

Unexpectedly, he swoops Josh out of the chair and hugs him tightly, strong arms refusing to let go

Initially Josh’s first reaction is to panic, squirm away and flee

But soon enough his fathers scent overwhelms his senses and he knows he’s safe

It’s the same warmth from all his fondest memories; His father carrying him across the lawn because he didn't like the feeling of grass on his feet, when thunderstorms were too loud causing him to bury himself under his fathers arms and cry until he fell asleep, if he couldn't breath his father would sit with him and help him count out his breaths

Safety, his dad _always_ means safety

The embrace lasts a solid 10 seconds, conveying unspoken emotions and promises before they break apart and his father smiles

Josh also smiles and the confusion seems to evaporate

Maybe nothing matters  
  
And maybe everyone dies

But his fathers warmth makes everything slightly more bearable

~ ~ ~

_Oh wow…_

Tyler stares down at his notebook vexedly

How had he not noticed that the entire page was slowly filling up with littles “J’s” and hearts?

Ten seconds ago he was writing down lyrics which had inadvertently turned into Josh’s name and variations of it over and over

Goodness he truly was a sap

_This is getting out of hand_

With more drama than necessary Tyler throws himself to the ground and stares begrudgingly at the ceiling

Stupid feelings making him do stupid cliché things

He hated his hypocrisy

Tyler was always the one dragging his classmates for their ‘stupid’ relationships, constantly reminding them that it was going to do nothing but cause drama and unnecessary pain

Yet here he was

Completely 100% stricken over Joshua Dun

How did it even happen? At what point did he let himself fall into the oblivion of caring? Why had he been dumb enough to disregard his logic and let his stupid, stubborn heart take the reigns?

Why did he let himself become so _vulnerable_ around this boy?

Oh, but he knows

It’s Josh’s childlike innocence

The way he trusts without question

How he overlooks all your flaws and sees you in a completely different light, through the spectacles of his own fascinating world

The way simple things can capture his attention for incredible amounts of time

How he stares into the world with eyes seeing what Tyler can only imagine to be beautiful entities

Josh’s fascination with feathers and the endearing way he tries to explain the shimmering of Tyler’s skin

The clumsy way he walks

The occasional stutter when he speaks

How he often seems to forget how to communicate and resorts to pressing himself into Tyler’s chest

The perfect human

_Is he even human?_

Tyler concludes that Josh is nothing short of an extraterrestrial being

_Perhaps an Angel_

An image of Josh’s luminous skin and heart stopping grin parades through his mind

_For sure an angel_

Tyler’s eyes close as he’s lulled into a foggy slumber scattered with flecks of memories that cause warmth to spread through his chest

_Josh…joshjoshjoshjoshjosh_

Just as sleep is about to completely wrap him the blanket of serenity and momentary escape, a shrill ding drags him back into awareness

_That’s cool…_

Without adjusting his position on the floor, Tyler rubs his hands around the vicinity until he grasps his phone and pulls it wearily to his face

It’s a message from Brendon

12:07 PM from Brendon: Hey ty you didn't come to the party?

Tyler supposes he could answer but decides he doesn't want to deal with people for the rest of the weekend

Unless it was Josh

He’d love to deal with Josh again

Sweet, lovable, clumsy Josh

_I could text him…_

Though the idea of contacting Josh makes his heart flutter Tyler remains perfectly still, humming as he stares into nothingness

_Should I text him?_  
  
Maybe texting Josh literally 2 hours after he had just left the house would be too much

_This is ridiculous_

He turns haphazardly onto his side and spots Josh’s clothes still strewn upon his floor

Tyler smirks

_What a perfect excuse to see him again_

Before he can think about the action, Tyler is grabbing Josh’s shirt and pulling it to his nose, taking a breathy inhale

He closes his eyes and relishes in the pure scent of Josh, sweet and warm… like cocoa

_This is ridiculous_

Tyler tosses the shirt aside and smacks his forehead for the umpteenth time

_Completely utterly ridiculous_

But despite the growing aggravation Tyler finds himself once again with Josh’s shirt pressed to his nose, each breath filling his entire world with the sweet calming scent that soon guides him into tender dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YO U FOR READ ING even though I just DISAPPEARED FOR A MONTH  
> But just so you know when I'm not writing I'm drawing so you can go check out my art Instagram if you want? @W4tchTh3Sky  
> I promise it's not garbage  
> Anyway I love you all and I feel really bad an d wow I'm sO SOrRy


	14. Raven Feathers Hold Me Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got some serious writers block going on ((:: I'll push through it I promise

Monday

Always a conundrum

The beginning of an exhausting week, yet also a welcomed relief of routine and structure... a chance to get away from his family 

Josh stares out the window and watches the clouds slowly change colors, chewing absently on his finger nails that begin to feel raw but he doesn't mind 

The sun peeks through a small opening in the clouds and Josh grins as sunlight fills his room, he reaches for the rays of gold and runs his fingers through them, it reminds him of violin strings and he can hear the quiet music that trickles from the sky 

Back when he was braver Josh had told his mother of the music, tried to describe how the sun was a cello and christmas lights like a harp, how the flecks of dust illuminated by morning were similar to wind chimes, he'd even mentioned that lightning was quiet despite its intensity 

Her reaction had confused him, her smile was wrong as she nodded and told him that he had a great imagination

But he _isn't_ imaging it

The music is real and tangible, swirling around in different shades and each note feeling different than the next 

Music notes might as well be snowflakes 

Josh can feel a wave of questions about to consume his mind so he turns away from the window and focuses on the task at hand 

Getting ready for school 

He throws on the softest clothes he can find because he's feeling extra exposed then retrieves the origami flowers he spent all night making and places them gently in his backpack 

_Pink Pink Pink_

The sun hides behind clouds once again and he can tell that the trees are sad, he misses the sun too

But rain isn't so bad either, every drop is a tiny drum and he can't help but dance when it starts to pour 

Hopefully it won't start raining until he's at school

Before heading downstairs Josh lays on the floor and rubs his palms across the carpet, not too scratchy not too soft, he hopes the day will be similar to carpet, he's too tired for anything intense

But if the day is too dull he'll end up floating away and that never ends well 

Josh stands up slowly and pulls his sketchbook out from under his bed, he lets his hands do what they want and watches as a picture quickly takes form

It's unclear what the image is but he knows it will make sense eventually

Thunder pops from somewhere far away and he looks up, reality settling around him as time presses on and urges him forward 

He clicks his tongue while gathering some pencils then shrugs his backpack on

A raven glides across his vision and calls out with its dark purple caw, Josh hurriedly writes 'raven' on his hand and wonders why people always connect the black bird with death 

They're too clever for death

Perhaps the most likely creatures to unlock immortality 

_Raven_

Josh would like to be a raven 

Before he can completely fall into his mind the distractible boy slips some shoes on and walks slowly down the stairs, he doesn't want the wood to creak 

_1..._

_2..._

_3..._

Counting the steps has always been soothing

By the time he reaches the bottom his legs are trembling and he frowns at them

_Huh_

He doesn't want to see his family so he heads straight for the door 

"I don't think so kid."

Josh startles as James grabs his sleeve and yanks him back 

"Dude, did you even brush your hair?"

His older brother runs strong fingers through the dark mess and Josh pictures having black feathers for hair 

"Did you eat something?"

_Oops_

The silence answers his question and James pulls out a pop tart and shoves it into his backpack with an agitated sigh 

"Wait-" Josh is about to protest

"It's strawberry not cherry I promise."

Josh can't help his goofy smile

His brother is the only one who understands that Josh _can't_ eat the cherry flavor, it's wrong

A moment of silence takes over and Josh starts chewing on his fingernails 

"Stop that." 

James pulls his nearly bleeding hands away from his mouth and pets his head once more

"You better eat that Josh."

"Mhm."

Josh isn't sure what to do so he hums while his brothers eyes trace his face 

They hug, James knows to keep it short 

"Take care of yourself..."

Words are confusing so Josh takes the older's hand and guides it to his chest, hoping his heartbeat will make him feel better

James feels a lump form in his throat and smiles

"I love you J."

Josh nuzzles his shoulder gently then turns away and walks quietly out the door 

~ ~ ~

The walk to school is a haze of gentle rain and trees swaying in the wind, pine needles fragrance the air and Josh sneezes five times 

His nails are blue by the time he reaches the entrance and Josh can't stop biting them, an uneasy feeling has made a home in his stomach 

He chooses to ignore it, well aware that he'll have to face the red shadows at some point

Foolishly, he hopes that feigning ignorance will make the sickness in his head go away 

The art room glows like a beacon in the bland school and Josh walks in briskly, relishing in the smell of clay and acrylic paints, he stares at his teacher who is sitting rigidly at the pottery wheel, wise hands making art with a simple yet firm touch 

"Good morning Josh."

His voice is velvet 

Mr. B doesn't expect a reply and smiles softly to himself when the boy crawls under the table without a word 

_Safe and quiet_

Josh pulls out a fresh black sharpie and begins to draw a raven perched on the crescent moon he had added months earlier 

The underside of the table is nearly filled and he wonders what he'll do when there's no room left for him to doodle 

His mind wanders a bit and comes to a halt when he recalls the origami flowers packed safely in his folder, he had made four of them

Josh decides that he will give three to Pink girl and keep one for himself, theres tape in his bag which he uses to stick the flower onto the underside of the table with, the pink contrasts with the more dull colors and it calms Josh's buzzing mind 

Sleep seems to be whispering in his ear so Josh closes his eyes and listens to the story 

~ ~ ~ 

When Tyler steps foot onto the campus his first and only thought is Josh

He's been eager to see him since the minute he left Tyler's house and finds himself nearly jogging to the one spot he knows the boy will be 

He enters the art room slowly, trying to catch his breath and not wanting to disturb the comfortable silence that fills the room, he sees Josh's shoes peeking out from under the table and feels his heart thrum excitedly 

The sight he's met with when he finally kneels down beside the table makes him lose his breath all over again 

Josh is seemingly asleep, lying motionlessly on his back as his chest rises and falls in a steady pattern

His face seems a little too pale and his lips are looking blue again, the freckles on his cheeks seem dim and Tyler frowns 

Without much thought he reaches out to touch Josh's hands and gasps softly, his skin is  _ice_

_Icicle boy_

Tyler hadn't known that being so cold was possible and the worry he's been suppressing starts making a break to the forefront of his thoughts

He lies down next to Josh and snuggles up as close to him as possible, hoping to warm up his icicle

A few minutes pass uninterrupted until Josh begins shivering in his sleep and Tyler's brow furrows

"Hey, Josh-o, wake up."

He nudges Josh until the boy shoots up with a sharp inhale

"Woah, It's me... just Tyler."

Josh stares at him warily for a moment then smiles sheepishly 

"You were like... shivering in your sleep."

Josh keeps his gaze fixed on Tyler's hands

"Are you okay?"

Tyler begins rambling

"I mean, it's just that you're _so_ cold and I didn't think it was possible for someone to be that cold and still like, alive... are you sick? I don't know if that's a bad thing to ask I just-"

Tyler's words come to halt when he feels josh's icy hand slip into his

He stares at the pale hand and notices the dried blood around his blue nails, a quiet moment passes before he slowly takes Josh's other hand into his own and holds them close to his body, hoping to warm him up 

Tyler wonders if Josh can feel the intensity of his heart beat pulsing through his fingers 

Shaky breaths fill the air until they finally meet each others eyes, 

For once, Josh is the one who breaks the silence, lips trembling and voice weak 

"I don't want to die alone..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignoring your issues never ends well ((: Bad things are coming  
> Also, this chapter is really short but the next one is gonna be way longer (;


	15. Stop ignoring your issues Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this little tid bit so you guys have something to read while I finish up the next chapter

"I don't want to die alone..."

~ ~ ~ 

It isn't unordinary for Josh to say unexpected things, but this particular statement causes Tyler's head to spin 

"What do you mean?"

He gives Josh's hands a gentle squeeze but Josh doesn't lift his eyes from the ground, instead he nibbles on his lips with a pensive expression 

"I know-" Josh begins hesitantly "I know that we die alone, it's a truth. And it usually comforts me... But everything's been so wrong lately. So so wrong and I can't figure out what's happening. All the red shadows, my mom keeps crying and James doesn't smile much anymore... I just... wanna go away."

Josh takes a moment to breath then looks straight into Tyler's warm, golden eyes that are swirling with curiosity and something deeper 

"I just don't want to go alone."

 Tyler's mind short circuits and he has to hold a hand near his mouth to keep from audibly gasping

He can feel his throat constricting and heartbeat stuttering as the worst case scenarios rain down on his thoughts 

_Josh is suicidal?_

_No_

"Josh, I... are you saying...um..."

_Shit_

The bitter words refuse to form on his tongue but Josh seems to understand and hastily shakes his head

Tyler can't tear his gaze away from the freckled boys lips 

"I don't necessarily want to die. I guess I just wish there was a way for me to disappear, and no one would be sad because they wouldn't remember me. A way to be swallowed by oblivion." 

"You wish you never came into existence?" Tyler supplies 

Josh bites his lip again and nods slowly 

"I'm glad you exist Josh-o" He urges "I'd feel incomplete if you weren't here... Even if I didn't know what was missing. My world wouldn't spin right ya know?"

A sudden shift of something pure fills the air as Josh grins brighter than ever before; eyes turning into tiny rainbows, teeth shining and cheeks lightly dusted pink 

_Wow_

The golden boy puts a hand over his chest to try and soothe his frenzied heart 

The moment is gentle and fleeting, a soft silence with wondering eyes grazing over features of the others face 

"Don't ever try to not exist okay?"

Tyler knows he should probably drop the subject but he  _can't_ take any chances... He won't risk losing an angel 

Josh giggles and Tyler can feel his heart preparing to leap from his chest and undoubtedly land in icicle boys pale hands 

"You make existing easier Ty."

 ~ ~ ~ 

The rest of the day becomes a void of timeless existence 

Josh glides through the halls with his head down and mind in the sky 

he's so... happy? 

He has a friend 

Joshua Dun has an actual real live friend 

What a miracle 

The joy residing in Josh's heart refuses to let go, even as he feels a rough hand grip his shoulder he can't make the giddiness go away 

Hurtful words are said but Josh doesn't care, he looks straight past whoever is yelling at him and stares at the prismatic feathers falling slow, slow, slowly from the ceiling 

 _They're back_  

His colors have returned, his world regains some balance

Josh sighs and continues ignoring the inevitable crash that's been building for months 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha i love disappearing for months (:


	16. Haunting Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this could be mildly triggering so stay cautious my friends

The disassociation should have been a sign 

In fact, a lot of things should have made the downfall obvious 

Inadvertently, Josh had noticed the warnings but chosen to ignore them 

His confusion, the worried stares of his family, questions he couldn't answer, the red shadows making frequent visits... the dreams, his longing to disappear 

It was all _so_ obvious yet he kept ignoring and kept ignoring till the issue was quite literally presented in front of his face 

"Joshua?"

His parents look on worriedly at their son who hasn't moved a muscle since entering the living room 

Currently, Josh is having a crisis 

Most of the day had been such a blur, to the point where he didn't even recognize that Tyler was talking to him, a wonderful, oblivious state of mind he wanted to dwell in forever 

He'd walked robotically home from school with cotton in his brain and a joy that felt artificial

But the ignorant denial he'd been pleasantly wading in came to an unavoidable, full halt as soon as he entered the house 

In front of him is a face he never wanted to see again, the memories that accompany the silver glasses and deep frown lines immediately cause his eyes to water and knees to tremble 

He doesn't want this 

Why would his parents do this?

Nothing happened

He _doesn't_ remember 

 

Oh but he does 

Josh makes direct eye contact with the unwelcome guest and nearly passes out as a wave of memories violate his mind 

Suddenly he isn't in his living room anymore 

He's reliving a foggy memory that has been successfully buried until now

 

**"Shhh Joshie, no need for that."**

A menacing hand grips tightly onto his shoulder 

 **"What did I say about throwing fits? Don't want me telling your parents about this** **right? They wouldn't be pleased."**

 

Josh physically bangs his head into the wall in hopes to keep the memory from going any further

_Nothing happened nothing happened nothing happened_

_Nothing_

_Happened_

 

"Joshua!" 

His father is the first to spring into action, racing towards his son and pulling the hysterical boy away from the wall 

The unwelcome touch triggers a whole new wave of memories that have been repressed and ignored and all but forgotten 

 

**"Sssshhhh"**

Josh is trapped 

Josh is suffocating 

Josh is _dying_  

There's a heavy weight crushing him against the ground and all he can hear is a gravelly voice telling him to stay quiet 

 

Josh begins to thrash around in his fathers arms, screaming and crying and just trying to make it stop 

He's fine and nothing happened and everything is okay and he just wants Tyler 

_Tyler_

_Tyler tylertyler tyler_

 

"Josh, please calm down, please you're okay, you're  _okay."_

His father pulls Josh into his chest in the gentlest way he can, stroking his hair as the boy thrashes and claws and cries and begs but he doesn't let go, he won't 

Mr. Dun ignores the breaking of his heart and simply holds onto his son until he calms down... what else can he do? 

"Stop it stop it stop it stop it. _Please_ dad, please..."

"Stop what? Josh talk to me."

Instead of responding Josh begins sobbing 

Clinging tightly to his father and inhaling the scent of _safety,_ his father is safety, always always safety 

Standing quietly off to the side, the unwelcome guest, Mr. Port -Josh's old therapist- gives Mrs. Dun a look of deep concern verging on despair 

"Laura this isn't good..."

Her nodding causes unshed tears to cascade down her cheeks 

"we thought..." Her words are cut off by a loud sob from the broken boy

She resumes with a soft, trembling voice "We thought he was doing good. He seemed okay, we didn't realize... I'm not even sure what's happening."

Mr. Port sighs deeply and walks Mrs. Dun back to the couch

They sit quietly for a few moments to look back at Josh who is slowly calming down in his fathers arms

"I can't say for sure what's going on... but it seems to me that he never properly dealt with the trauma."

Mrs. Dun nods grimly, the feeling of failure settling in her chest 

"It's not uncommon for children to suppress trauma. I think perhaps Josh has been living in a state of denial rather than acknowledging what happened." 

Before the conversation continues, James is walking into the living room, upon seeing the scene unfolding he lets out a horrified gasp and begins demanding answers 

"What happened!? Josh? Dad? Is he okay? What's wrong?"

James can hardly refrain from screaming 

"James!" 

Mrs. Dun sharply gets his attention and motions for him to join her and Mr. Port

Before obliging, James stares pointedly at his father with intensity and his father simply nods "I've got him."

 

The three sit despairingly on the stiff grey couch with tension heavy in the atmosphere

James can't bring himself to look away from his brother who's struggling to breath, curled up against their fathers chest, trembling so violently James fears he may turn to dust

"Mom... Josh hasn't had a melt down like this in years... what _happened."_

Protective undertones are evident in his voice and Mrs. Dun can't help but feel a bit of pride for her older son and his caring nature 

"James..."

Mr. Port turns his knowledgable gaze to the distraught brother

"What have you observed recently with Josh's behavior?"

James feels a jolt of despair "Well um... I dunno... he's been so... absent lately. I thought he was doing better than before, but I guess I was wrong?"

The therapist looks towards the carpet briefly then looks up with yet another sigh 

"It seems we were all wrong... He hasn't dealt with the trauma... I missed it before but it's evident to me now. Seeing my face triggered some violent memories I'm sure, which caused this meltdown."

All eyes turn to Josh yet again, he's seemingly cried himself to exhaustion, lying limply in his fathers grip staring off into space while Mr. Dun strokes his hair and cries silently

"How do we help him?" James pleads with his eyes 

Mr. Port furrows his eyebrows 

"First of all, he has to acknowledge what happened."

 

Across the room Josh slowly comes back to present time, he makes eye contact with his father and is confused when he sees tears on his cheeks

Gentle as Josh is, he reaches out and wipes them away, sadness isn't a good look on his dad

"Papa?" He speaks with a soft voice "Why are you crying?" 

Instead of answering him, his dad grips onto him tighter and pulls him into a hug, all the emotions are conveyed through the action and Josh latches onto him once again, still confused as to why his dad is so upset 

"Dad please don't be sad... There's no reason to be sad."

He pulls away and looks at his protector with concern 

"Oh Josh..." A strong hand runs through the boys messy curls and Josh leans into the touch, seeking comfort

"I'm crying because you were hurt Joshua... my boy was hurt and I wasn't there to protect you. It shouldn't have happened. You..." He chokes on his tears "Especially not to you... God I'm so sorry." 

Josh begins feeling light headed "But you did nothing wrong dad..." 

Mr. Dun simply shakes his head, picks the boy up in the same manner he used to when he was a child, and walks him to the couch to join the others 

Josh doesn't leave his fathers lap and his mother supplies a blanket to wrap around his shivering frame 

Mr. Port is the first to break the grim silence 

"I think it's best for Josh to get some rest now..."

"I'll take him." James rises and slowly lifts Josh from their fathers lap, the boy is reluctant at first but soon allows his brother to pry him away and slowly lead him up the stairs 

Once in his room, James guides Josh onto the bed and watches as his little brother all but passes out 

His heart aches as he tucks him in, making sure to remove his shoes and adjust his pillows 

James refuses to leave his brothers side... he's too terrified, feels too guilty 

The older boy brings a fist to his mouth in order to contain his sobs... he had _known_ what was happening, maybe not exactly, but he knew something was up 

 _Why didn't I say anything? Why why whywhywhy?_  

Guilt engulfs James and drags him into the depths of self hatred 

_It's my fault... my fault my fault my fault_

 

Watching Josh's peaceful slumber brings solace to James' despair, he listens to his breathing and wishes over and over that _he_ would have been the victim... God knows he was more deserving of such a horror

As James peaks around the room he spots Josh's sketchbook on his desk, out of innocent curiosity he cautiously takes the item into his hands and slowly opens it

What he sees inside instantly causes his eyes to sting and throat to constrict

Page after page of a masked man lurking in darn corners in various locations, drawings of monsters and one particular sketch that hauntingly depicts a horror Josh had no doubt experienced 

James hastily closes the sketchbook and sets it down forcefully, he squeezes his eyes shut and tries his best not to picture what had happened to his little brother, but now the flood gates have opened and endless visions haunt his minds eye with relentless force 

He sits quietly on the floor and sobs into his hands asking God over and over 

_Why Josh?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo hoo  
> I had to re read this whole fic cuz i forgot what was going on lol


	17. Purple Puddles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A single sentence whispered in his ear was all it took to silence Josh on that night and the many nights to come

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda heavy so please be careful <3 It gives you a small glimpse of what happened to Josh (,:

Josh wakes up sick

Head throbbing, eyes aching, throat dry and lips cracking 

There's a heaviness in his heart that makes itself explicitly known, and of every emotion brought on in the last few days he feels nothing but the sadness 

His world is grey, dust particles floating quietly around the room, illuminated by the rays of light from the setting sun

Josh refuses to acknowledge what had taken place just a couple hours ago, he's keenly aware of the mess he will one day have to deal with

But right now he just can't... his mind caught in a state of grogginess, his body feeling achy and simultaneously light enough to float away, almost like phasing into another dimension of reality 

The dazed boy watches transfixed as his hand moves to it's own accord, slowly reaching out and coming to land on something solid and warm

He's startled to find his brother James draped against the side of the bed, head resting on his folded arms and breaths soothingly steady 

It occurs to him that James used to do this very same thing nearly every night after he first found out what had happened to Josh 

Memories of the dreary nights cause his eyes to water with unshed tears, the nights he would pretend to be asleep and silently listen as James apologized endlessly... always claiming it was 'his fault' and that 'he should have known' he is 'so sorry' and 'It should have been me'

Josh never disagreed so strongly with anyone about anything 

There was no reason for James to feel guilty, no one knew what was going on because Josh never _said_ anything, never fought back... never _wanted_ anyone to know, it was his own fault to suffer silently 

Besides, if not Josh it would have been one of his siblings... and he would never let that happen so long as he could help it

There had been a night... he was alone in the basement with the masked man, his siblings were sleeping soundly upstairs

That was the _only_ night he had ever protested, he clawed at the large hands gripped onto his small shoulders and kicked with all the strength his seven year old self could muster 

A single sentence whispered in his ear was all it took to silence Josh on that night and the many nights to come

**"Would you rather me play with Jordi? Or maybe James? Is that what you want?"**

 The mere thought of his siblings having to be alone with the monster had set him into a fit of hysteria, he apologized and sobbed and begged him not to hurt them, he'd do anything... just don't hurt Jordi or James 

The masked man had laughed, sick twisted laughter that sounded wrong in every way possible 

**"Good boy."**

Josh remembers trembling to the point where his knees had given out and he fell to the cold, hard ground

His young mind unable to comprehend the horror of the crime being done to him

He curled up and cried, watched his tears making purple puddles of despair on the ground, he cried as large hands grabbed his waist and other parts of him that felt so _wrong_  

He had cried and prayed and tried to be brave, like the people in the stories his dad would read to him at bedtime 

But sometimes being brave was impossible 

Then... adding to his innocent confusion, after the man did what he wanted and Josh was left feeling violated, weak and hopeless... the masked man would pick him up gently and hug him tightly 

He'd whisper sweet nothings and stroke his neck softly, soothing the terrified boy and telling him everything was okay now, he was safe 

Josh would cling to him, craving any form of comfort from anything... even the monster 

Josh would then be carried back up to bed, the man always tucked him in and made sure he was cozy, he would kiss Josh on the forehead and leave the room without another word 

Despite everything and how wrong it was,  Josh always missed him when he left 

~ ~ ~ 

Josh stares up at the ceiling fan

Completely helpless against the flood of memories vividly resurfacing

He's sweating but shivering at the same time, breathing hurts and the tears sting his eyes 

"James?" His voice cracks, sounding awful as he feels 

"James?" he tries to shake his brothers shoulder but is too weak and only manages to lightly rub his arm 

It's still enough to rouse James from his sleep and the older boy shoots up 

"Josh? Hey buddy... are you okay?"

He puts his hand on Josh's forehead and frowns worriedly "You're burning up." James takes in his brothers shaking form and grimaces, he looks so... weak? hurt? It makes him furious 

"I'll um... I'll go get mom."

"No!" Josh squeaks, he tugs at James' sleeve and stares at him, letting every broken emotion show on his face and letting his tears flow freely "Please stay."

How could James do anything except what his brother pleads? 

So, without hesitation, he crawls into the bed and settles down next to Josh, bringing his arm around his trembling shoulders and holding him close 

"I'll stay with you..." Theres so much to be talked about and resolved and forgiven, and too many wounds to heal 

But for right now, this is what Josh needs

"I've got you J." 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you guys have noticed the huge time gaps between these last few chapters ((:: (throwback to when I updated every other day) I've just really been having a hard time deciding where to go with this fic??? The story got a LOT longer than I had ever planned. Sometimes I feel like it's trash and want to delete it and other times I'm like, hey... this is pretty sweet. Maybe one day I'll figure it out. But until I do you guys should follow my art instagram @w4tchth3sky (yay self promo) I'm not writing as much at the moment but I sure am arting so go check it out <<<<<333333 
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/BbaTxTQgzdj/?taken-by=w4tchth3sky

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to w4tch th3 sky


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